Several years after I’d successfully established myself as a Bay Area builder, a friend approached me to explore the possibility of doing a spec house together. After a number of discussions we agreed we would take on the rough-and-tumble world of Palo Alto real estate. We would find an old house with tons of deferred maintenance and either remodel it or tear it down and build anew (teardowns could actually be found in Palo Alto in those days).
After many frustrating weeks of fruitlessly searching together, one morning I discovered an empty lot for sale while driving my daughter to school. An empty, buildable lot; a perfect fit for our needs! I’d probably driven by it previously a dozen times or more. It was located at 720 Seneca Street in Palo Alto – within easy walking distance to Steve Jobs’ house on Waverley Street and just a few blocks off University Avenue, affording a straight shot onto the Stanford Campus. Stan immediately put an offer on the lot (he was the Money Man in our partnership), and we closed the purchase less than a month later.
I really liked partnering with Stan. He took a lot of the pressure off in working with architects and designers and the Palo Alto building and planning department. He was smart and creative and very good at problem-solving. He also picked all the kitchen and bathroom fixtures for the house and worked with the landscape architect. The actual building of the house was primarily left to me and my crew, with Stan sharing the stressors and providing the investment capital (which is often a major stressor for spec builders, since banks invariably want to yoke a construction loan to a builder’s personal residence). The Seneca House was a joy to build. Until it wasn’t.
Dual Relationships: There Be Monsters
Dual Relationships are something that the fields of therapy and coaching tend to pay a lot of attention to, and for good reason. The potential for personal exploitation and/or ethical violations, when such relational dynamics exist, is exponentially increased. But there’s another significant factor that is seldom considered in dual relationship dynamics.
I’ve written extensively over the years about how on some level, mostly unconsciously, our brains are very often trying to get The Big Brain Question – Are You There for Me – answered “Yes.” A Yes answer results in secure attachment, robust neural connectivity and integration, ease with prudent risk-taking and self-regulation. Secure Attachment is a wondrous thing.
And all of these elements and more were present in Stan and my partnership. Until they weren’t.
Here’s how The Big Brain Question unwittingly turned from a “Yes” into a “No” for Stan and me without either of us realizing what had taken place.
Leaving the Partnering World
As the finishing touches were being put on the house, real estate brokers began coming around looking to secure the sales listing. I disliked dealing with them, especially in the middle of the workday, and so I would refer them to Stan. One day he called me up and suggested we get together and have a meeting to discuss selling the house. It was at that meeting that Stan broke the news: he was actually interested in buying the house himself!
My immediate reaction was mixed. On the one hand, selling to Stan would take the pressure off of getting the house sold. It would also cut out half the realtor’s fees (Stan insisted that he should get to deduct 3% of their fee, since he was going to half to pay 6% whenever he sold.
On the other hand his offer caused me a great degree of difficulty. Whereas, through the whole process, I’d had a trusted partner and we had each other’s back, now suddenly my partner was gone and with him went the possibility of getting the absolute best price we could for the house. Stan handed me a list of bank appraisers and said, “We’ll each freely pick an appraiser from the list and we’ll split the difference in the value they each determine.”
If I was smart and had advisors who had my back, I would have been well-served by going to them at once and asking them to represent ME in the transaction. But with my history of betrayal and abandonment, that wasn’t something actually available to me. I ended up doing as Stan asked, but never felt good about anything that happened from there on out. And for good reason.
It was only years later that I learned there’s a significant difference in types and kinds of real estate appraisers and how they work. Fee appraisers are much more thorough and work only for their client to try and get the most accurate valuation possible. Bank appraisers work for banks, and appraise properties very conservatively so as to best protect the bank’s interest. The list that Stan suggested we select from was a list of local bank appraisers, of course. I have no doubt that Stan knew the difference.
Money knowledge is power, and without a doubt Stan used it greatly to his advantage. He ended up holding the house for three years and sold it for a little less than double what he paid for it. Stan and I never did another project together again.
Learning in our knowing is wisdom. Lesson learned…well no matter how difficult add to us. Thank you for sharing yours.
Mr. Brady,
I just want to let you know how much I look forward to getting your emails. One of my first thoughts after getting ready in the morning “let’s see what’s in the email.” Since I read the first couple emails from you (now probably more than two years ago), I have another reaction: “oh, The Committed Parent! It’s Sunday! What does he have for me today!” Even when I’m on vacation, I usually read it as soon as I open my email on Sunday because I just can’t wait to see what great example of how the brain works you are going to come up with this week.
Thank you so much for all of the things that you have taught me over the years, both through your newsletter and through your work with the Couples Institute. I’m looking forward to listening to your bonus call today!
Have a great day and may your answer to the Big Brain Question be a resounding yes.
Lauren
Thanks, Lauren, for the kind words and the well-wishes. I’m glad to know that you’re finding it useful to understand a little bit about how vulnerable our brains really are and hopefully a bit about how best to take care of it, ourselves and the people in our circles. Continued blessings on the journey. ~ Mark
I know this one well. I had a teacher who really abused the teacher student relationship. It was very sad and very hurtful. Thanks for sharing your story
Don’t you hate when that happens, Kate? It’s almost inevitable that we make ourselves open and vulnerable to our teachers, and they end up unable to carry our projections in ways that might facilitate restorative healing for them and for us. I suppose the best we can do is use the experience as a lesson as to how we don’t want to operate in the world, if at all possible. XOXOX Mark
Yes, I hate that It nearly killed me It very much dysregulated my nervous system and undid much of the good that teacher did for me for some time I am very nearly healed from that now and am very careful with my students and mentees so as not to do that to anyone and I feel sorry for my former teacher. She does not know what she does. I have tried several times to repair this history with her and feel I have done my best. Let go, let God, go in peace!
K