One of my early romantic explorations involved a protracted “courting period” with a woman that involved great chemistry. Alana and I shared a number of mutual social and spiritual interests and in general just enjoyed hanging out together. Over time the barriers to the experience of love’s energies began to simultaneously intensify and dissolve and we opened discussions about the possibility of becoming romantic lovers. When we agreed we would, I rented a secluded cabin in the Adirondacks, and with the requisite candles, incense and music, we consummated the relationship. At one seminal moment during that first time together, I looked down at Alana and was shocked and horrified to discover the face of an eight year old child staring back at me. Eight was the age when Alana’s father began sexually molesting her. And now, as the result of an unexpected, regressive, energetic facial morphing process orchestrated by her brain and body, it suddenly felt like I too, had just committed a sexual violation. From that moment forward, Alana’s incest trauma hung like the Grim Reaper over our relationship. It wasn’t too long afterwards until her pain – repeatedly triggered and never resolved – became too much for either of us to bear. Finally, one day the Relationship Reaper thankfully came to collect each of us and put us out of our mutual misery.
Deny Anything Damaging Happened
In spite of current TV’s interest in exploiting the cultural taboo, incest is still prohibited in every culture on the planet for a range of reasons. Prohibiting it is part of what makes us human (the reverse may also be true, especially when we’re able to successfully turn our wounds into our gifts). While I’m not an expert, it seems reasonable that sexual abuse damages the vulnerable neural circuitry of young children in complex ways, and every perpetration is different. I also suspect it definitely disrupts the emerging Cortisol Awakening Response.
Some women I’ve talked with about the experience have told me that their greatest pain was not the incest itself, but that they had absolutely no one they could tell the full truth to about what happened. And not that they hated it … but that they loved it! The experience afforded a glimpse of heaven. And every sexual experience afterwards provided glimpse after glimpse. They weren’t sex-obsessed, though; they had become God-obsessed. Sex had simply become a vehicle to know God. At least for a while. Until the insistent need for living life on earth began to show up.
Other women recognized that for them, the day the abuse began was the “day the music died.” And still other women, especially when violence was involved, recognized that their ability to easily get emotionally hijacked, under even minimal stress, was directly tied to the early abuse. Harvard psychiatrist Judith Herman remarks in her book Father-Daughter Incest, “incest becomes like a small, nasty pet that you have for many, many years.” The brain had become like the one depicted on the right: severely compromised in its ability to process energy and information, particularly under stress.
Sexual abuse of young children is sadly one of the most under-reported of all crimes. In addition to the Cortisol Awakening Response, it also appears to damage children’s GABA supply system(essential for homeostasis) and exposes their hearts, brains, minds and bodies to stress loads their development is rarely equipped to handle. Because abuse never happens in a social vacuum, at the very least abuse delays and distorts emotional and social development. And without skillful, effective intervention – intervention that restores psychological and somatic functioning to high levels – that early overload can echo and reverberate across the canyons of our lives forever.
Make Frequent Attribution Errors of the Heart
Children easily make what I call “attribution errors of the heart.”The brain is first and foremost an association organ. Anything that happens in close sequence or proximity, the brain tends to make meaningful connections with. The problem with such meaning-making is that more often than not we make errors in attribution and assign false cause. Children’s immature neurological development makes them particularly susceptible to this error. Healthy, well-cared for children are born with and then naturally strengthen a compassionate heart. So, if something bad happens, they often automatically feel responsible. The problem becomes exacerbated by the fact that intense experiences like sexual abuse generate all kinds of associations children’s immature neurology is simply not equipped to handle. Early abuse can often result in extreme disorganization in thinking, sometimes showing up in later life as fugue states, spacing out, hypo- (depression) or hyper-arousal, physical illness along with recurrent frequent emotional reactivity triggered in oneself and by resonance in others.
Give in to the Impulse to Isolate
Over many years of hearing stories from women about their experiences of abuse, one theme I’ve heard over and over is the wish to go live in a cave or a monastery or go and live as a hermit in the woods. The need to isolate and insulate and set up strong protective boundaries shows up often among abused men and women. But trauma-imposed isolation is not solitude. That’s often the explanatory fiction we tell ourselves to make sense of why we’re alone. One challenge with the wish to isolate is: Wherever You Go, There Your Neurology Goes, Too. And often what the protective barriers end up doing is locking us alone inside with our demons (or our ecstatic divinity?). One result: many older women in America living alone and out of touch.
In an interview with Shane Bauer, one of the young American hostages released from Iran, he said that the most unbearable aspect of his imprisonment was the time he was forced to spend in isolation. Self-imposed isolation for abused adults is really trauma-imposed isolation. The brain is a social organ. Without the deep stimulation of other authentic hearts, brains, minds and bodies, like plants untended in a garden, neurons begin to wither and die. Being locked alone, even in the Garden of Eden, can end up doing profound damage.
Go Searching for Dr. Good Dad
A transcendent impulse lives in all of us that is constantly attempting to move us in the direction of health, harmony and connection. Like plants orienting towards the sun, that impulse can draw us to seemingly compassionate, loving, replacement father figures (and often mother figures as well). It’s often kind of like attempting a neurological do-over. One main challenge with that approach and perspective is that in order for healing to happen, the trauma will, if not unskillfully reenacted in physical reality, almost certainly become reenacted emotionally. We have to feel it to heal it. Good Dad is destined, often through the mechanisms of transference and projection, to be neurologically morphed into Bad Dad. The left brain frequently overlays the past onto the present, often creating a kind of reality distortion field. Without help discerning what’s real, what’s scary, what’s safe, and what’s an overlay from our personal traumatic past, perceiving accurately becomes an almost impossible task. And where once we might have felt safety, joy and the possibility of healing, Good Dad’s very presence now begins to stir up great fear and anxiety. This dynamic often results in many relationship ruptures, even between people of the same age and the same level of development. Sadly, repair can become difficult to sort through. But not impossible. Healing continually yearns to happen.
Avoid Grieving the Losses
The losses involved with childhood sexual abuse are considerable. An organic, timely unfolding childhood is lost. Innocence is lost. Trust is lost. Safety is lost. Security is lost. Peace of mind is lost. Sisters are lost. Dad is lost (or possibly uncle-brother-neighbor) and often mom as well. Neural real estate is lost. Sacred sanctity of self is lost. Voice is lost. Ungrieved, these losses inevitably begin to weigh on us with increasing gravity. Grieving cannot be avoided forever. Suffering knows suffering. One way to live solidly grounded in the world and ultimately know deep, sustainable joy – to begin to regain heaven on earth – is to inquire into and fully grieve our losses.
Discount The Healing Power of the Trauma Narrative
It helps to express the story of the abuse in words, pictures and voice. Voice is often murdered by sexual abuse: secrets must be kept, a code of silence must prevail, no one is ever to know “our special secret.” Taking The Golden Rule of Social Neuroscience into account, one potentially promising way to approach this area of healing might be to become involved with a local chapter of RAINN. Important will be to resonate strongly with one or two experienced people in such a group. Trusting them will hopefully provide help when the fragmented, crazy thoughts begin distorting reality.
And while expressing the trauma narrative might be necessary for healing, it is often not enough. The body holds memories as well, and they too, need for full expression. For that reason, one possibility to consider might be getting involved with an organization like Peace Over Violence where self-defense is taught in ways that peacefully result in triumphant, healing resolution. Equally good might be to take charge of our own healing and use Craig’s List or Drew’s List to organize incest empowerment groups co-led or co-facilitated by people who have managed to find their own healing paths. As with any healing journey, skillful guides can make all the difference. Each time we pick up a thread and give voice to the pain of our losses or any other truth in our experience in the presence of understanding, compassionate fellow travelers, some bit of healing happens. However much our brains and hearts manage to increase their capacity to process energy and information, depicted in the scan on the left, the world inevitably begins to become a kinder, safer place.
From a poster who wished to remain anonymous …
Hi Mark,
I come to your site through a recently ended, brief relationship with a 57 yr old lady. When I confronted her with my suspicions, she had the look of terror on her face and eyes, such that I have never experienced before. When you wrote that some of these women manage to hide the truth from everyone, I could see that too. Except her mother must know, since the lady has no real relationship with her elderly mom. The lady was dropping clues for nearly 3 months; each clue now seemed like a cry for help.
Some of those were: 4X — “I’m not very good with men.” “Did you come to heal me?” “I’m looking for a man with compassion.” A friend said of her: “She hates men.” “She has a new boyfriend every 6 months!” She could not sleep with a ticking clock, or an Amazing Grace wind chime outside my bedroom window. It’s as the anxiety made her need to be awake to hear if her drunken dad was coming down the hall. She could not kiss with a fully closed mouth; as if that’s what her father did when he wanted to silence her from crying out. Not a Christian, but raised in that faith, she was unable to utter the word God, as if when he violated her he told her: “It’s is the will of God.”
Was obsessive compulsive and needed to control every aspect of whatever environment she inhabited; including showering several times every day. She did not have a fully developed sexuality and was not interested in exploring that aspect of her latent womanhood. It goes on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
She has been co-chair of a Bible study group for years. Hmmm, trying to find redemption or absolution? Guessing I guess ‘cause I’m no psychologist. The only letters I have after my last name are QBE [Qualified By Experience] Yet all of us have deep inner knowing, our gut response, our intuition. And, yes, men have those as well. Most just won’t access it often because it may be deemed to be unmanly. Sad eh?
Suffice to say, I was witness to two distinct personas; the one beautiful, innocent, carefree, helpful, affectionate, childlike and loving. The other persona, sullen, selfish, completely self-absorbed, withdrawn, single all her life, never married and no children. She has had no deep relationships with anyone men or woman. No need to elaborate here. I’m writing about a very intelligent person, a university professor with full tenure with more than 20 yr. career!
Yes, it was not difficult to fall deeply in love with the first persona. How could I not, as she opened her soul in a way that no other has done with me. We were exceptionally good together, spending 32 days straight this past summer, 24/7 — virtually inseparable. Then classes began for her the day after Labour Day. There were these inconsistencies, which became legion. I hasdjust finished reading Ram Dass: “The Only Dance There Is”. Ram states; “If you want it all you must give it all up.” It’s like what the Sufi’s say, “Die before dying. “Kill the ego.” [Edge God Out] She has chosen fear over courage and yet her own silver lining is to teach other young women and those older like her, about this all too prevalent male dominant cultural ethos, that still has dominion on our Earth. How can we save our planet from human dominated ignorance [to ignore, not stupidity] when we are still unable/unwilling to look at our interpersonal behaviour with our children? Sigh!
As you can see, I am having a difficult time letting go of this lady as I too have a hurt inner child. While having mostly dealt with the big issues, the smaller layers of the onion continue to sprout and grow unexpectedly as they did during the confrontation that admittedly, was aggressive behaviour on my part, even without yelling or loud talking. Is this where the phrase, ‘sometimes love is just not enough rears it’s unfortunate head?
**I would appreciate your blog not using my full name and image. It’s the info that is important.**
Thank you for writing this post. My childhood sexual and physical abuse programmed me for life long battle with depression and anxiety. I hope with each passing day these will lessen. Your words were spot on in terms of the damage we are left to deal with and the steps we must take in order to find peace of mind.
I related to the grief section. I have not been able to let go of my need to relive childhood, to be taken care of, to be safe.
I have a rage inside of me and don’t want to take responsibility for things.
I feel that if I let this go, nothing will be left. The promise of joy does nothing because nothing is ever enough to replace what was lost.
I am a very dependent and afraid person who yearns for safety and to be provided for. I want to be free from all responsible and the world seems like a scary place.
I retaliate against any kind of control.
I feel if I let this go nothing will be left but the horrible world of a grown up.
I really needed this today. I have a good life now but have really been struggling feeling like i’m crazy for being so depressed. I now see that the way my brain was programed by the abuse/neglect and isolation is not just me being stupid. When something triggers me, i (who am otherwise a strong, kind soul) lose all ability to cope. I have just now, in my 40’s been able to even speak of it. That itself is an excercise in frustration. Wanting everyone to know why you “act that way” to gain compassion or not wanting anyone to know to avoid the guilt and shame. Not many people get it and those who do are messed up too.
I am both angry and forgiving, depending on the day. I am weak, but determined. I dying inside but go on living. If it were not for my 5 wonderful kids and God, I would choose not to be here. I have a hard time telling anyone the truth because I don’t want to be seen differently and subsequently have to feel like the “dirty girl ” again. Unfortunately I am finding that counseling, which I have just started is going to hurt all over again to bring healing. Is there another way? I can’t afford to fall apart right now, I won’t let that happen to my kids. At the same time Can I really be my best for them in this state?
One step in the process might be reading this article because it made me realize how many times my wonderfull husband has inadvertantly caught the brunt of my psycosis. Poor Dr. good Dad, he’s trying but has no idea what to do.
How do I heal without falling apart?
Hi Mark-
Today is one of those hermit -I want to go live in a cave- days for me. I feel overwhelmingly alone & isolated so I turned to your blog for company and you did not let me down. Thank you for being an understanding soul and encourager. I needed a friend today and I got you which means I can’t play hermit, not today anyway. Thank you is simply not enough to express my appreciation but will have to do for now. -aa
Hi Alexis,
It can be tough to turn towards things that yearn to emerge on Cave Days.
Trying to hang out in the In-Between and let our neurocardiology have its
way with us, is sometimes more than we can bear. Kindness and gentleness
and going slow seem to be not only all we can sometimes manage, but
probably some of the things that can serve us best at such times.
Continued blessings to you on your journey. ~ Mark
For me, the sexual abuse was horrid and horrible. There was no good aspect to it. For me, there was much physical abuse from the man who perpetrated the sexual abuse also.
I was never fortunate enough to find an effective therapist or group back when I truly needed them. Luckily, Peter Levine’s Waking the Tiger was a godsend. I did the work on my own. by myself, in three spontaneous sessions. Once in the car in the rain at night. The rain covered my screaming. The other times at my house.
There may be more sessions, I don’t know. Reading your blog triggered the last session a bit ago. The one with the video of the teenage girl being beaten.
I had fibromyalgia, and one of the things that helped me heal from it was the somatic experiencing in that book. It is very powerful work.
The grieving. that may be something I’ve missed so far. But it’s a lifetime thing. I’ll be healing from this forever.
Hi Lisa. Thanks so much for posting this. It’s an important reminder that EVERY experience is different. It’s all too easy to lump someone’s experience and the suffering that results into a single category and apply a label to it. That, in and of itself, can be antithetical to healing. I’m glad to hear that you have been able to find some relief for some of the painful consequences that resulted. Continued blessings on the healing journey. ~ Mark
I am new to the blog and connected in many many areas. The concept of the re visiting ‘god’ with each sexual experience was particularly impactful for me. I have discussed before, in therapy, that there is a major distortion of my ‘higher power’ as a result of early childhood abuse. I certainly took this belief into my marriages and their subsequent distruction as it became apparent that there was only one ‘god’ and no one else could reach that pinacle. What a destructive place to be. Thank you for your insights, I feel some hope for change even now well into my fifties and having discussed all of this with no one except my present therapist.
I sincerely appreciate you posting here. There’s no question that the “allure of heaven” can be a powerful one. In some ways, it can feel like a gift. Many people who have “near death experiences” return and take up residence in their bodies completely free of the fear of death as a result. The work, seemingly, for all of us, is to now find a way to “visit God” on earth, and be able to prolong that visit, much the way we very likely did as children before our “higher power” became distorted. Continued blessings to you on this quest. ~ Mark
I’ve had clients who, after years of silence, confronted family about abuse… only to be initially shunned, and the fact of the abuse denied (even though the abuser was already dead). Denial and mute inaction on the part of caregivers who are told about abuse by children ranks amongst the very most painful of my clients’ experiences, particularly when they “told” when young and were subsequently left to be abused further.
My sense is that this is not really about indifference, but rather about overwhelm and triggered disorganization in caregivers who are brought into their hurt children’s catastrophe and left as helpless as they ever were to deal with it, the cycle continuing not just by overt abusers but by traumatized and inadvertent colluders with it.
It’s just all so terribly sad, but thank you (and the other comments) for all this useful information about healing. Here’s to neuro-plasticity, compassion and courage in the service of all our kids (big and small).
Hi Bruce. Thanks for posting this. I think you’ve spoken to a number of threads of a very complex experience. I recall being totally overwhelmed and terribly confused when my own daughter once came and told me that a trusted babysitter had hit her. I can’t even begin to imagine what learning she’d been molested would have done to my heart and brain. I can easily identify the place in me, especially if I was dependent upon my spouse for financial support, that would only be able to go into denial in response to such a confession. Sadly, I know that response would only serve to sustain the suffering all around. I would easily be one of those “inadvertent colluders.” Thanks again. ~ Mark
I read your posts every Sunday and find so much good information in them.
However, today I was disappointed that you didn’t talk about the somatic psychotherapy that is such a powerful healing modality for survivors of child sexual abuse. “Re-enactments” of trauma can be re-traumatizing if not done in a titrated, safe and gentle way. Somatic Experiencing, developed by Peter Levine, is one of those therapies. It is important that people know that there are ways to heal the body memories by slowly releasing the fight, flight and freeze responses held in the re-traumatization can be part of a survivor’s healing journey.
Ellen G Ledley, LCSW, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner
Hi Ellen, As you undoubtedly know, I’m a big fan of Peter and his work. I’ve mentioned him and Somatic Experiencing repeatedly on this blog, as recently as here: https://committedparent.wordpress.com/2011/08/28/the-most-ambitious-blog-post-ever-written/
Because Somatic Experiencing is a modality that can work for much more than sexual trauma specifically, I elected to omit it from this post in the interest of not becoming overly repetitious. But thanks for offering the reminder here in the comments. Best, Mark
I read your blog religiously every Sunday. However, today I felt that there were a couple of points that were off the mark. My agency, Peace Over Violence and I, myself, have been teaching Self Defense And Safety for Women and Kids for over 30 years. Many of the participants in our classes have experienced sexual violence as children and as adults. The idea of a self-defense course with a focus on re-enactments of traumatic experiences has been discredited. The risk of re-traumatization is extremely high and people who have taken these classes wind up calling rape hotlines for help. However, the practice of feeling empowerment in your body through learning how to make a fist, punch, kick, escape, and strategize emotionally and physically are excellent methodologies that can lead to healing and empowerment. Self defense training that is not fear based or re-triggering and are safe places for survivors to practice and face their fears are empowering experiences that contribute to healing. It is important for survivors to be very careful in choosing a self defense class that helps not hinders.
Patti Giggans, Executive Director
Thanks, Patti, for taking the time to point out this critical aspect. You’re absolutely right, reenactment without resolution often ends up simply adding trauma on top of trauma. It sounds like Peace Over Violence does really careful, important work. I have edited the piece to more accurately reflect the points you made. Again, much appreciated. ~ Mark