It wasn’t until my early 20s that I had my first sexual experience. It was with Dusty, a young, single mom who had gotten pregnant the first time she had sex. I was only the second person she’d ever been sexual with. To our mutual surprise we both managed to have an orgasm during our very first time together, though neither of us really knew what we were doing.

woman holding metoo sign main image.jpgAfter Dusty and I amicably parted ways, a series of short romantic relationships followed. I didn’t realize it at the time, but each of those engagements was with young women who’d been the victims of sexual abuse (odds are pretty high that if you’re reading this blog, you have also had sex with someone who’s suffered sexual abuse or you’ve suffered it yourself. Official statistics report 1 out of every 4 American women has been sexually abused. When you include unreported and forgotten incidents, the number is likely much, much higher [80% of the thousands of Catholics requesting exorcism this year are survivors of sexual abuse]). But in each of these relationships events unfolded that soon convinced me I had a Magic Peni$ (I’m using the dollar sign for an S to avoid spam filters). Here’s how the magic unfolded…

One young woman managed to completely pass out as a consequence of my vigor and virility (or so my post-teen brain had me think). Another woman in her mid-thirties had been completely non-orgasmic until she met me. Another with a similar story not only became orgasmic, but had an allergic rash all over her arms and neck completely disappear after our first time together. Another woman, older than me once again, had her irritable bowel syndrome completely disappear in the days immediately afterward.

Can you begin to see how penile delusions develop?

Where Did the Magic Go?

One day though – many among you could easily predict – the magic in my member suddenly vanished. As you might imagine, this became a cause of great concern. And great concern – more often than not – usually makes things worse. I now found myself with a romantic partner who was not only non-orgasmic, but remained non-orgasmic. And, horror of horrors, soon lost all interest in my Magic Peni$. Time to move on, right?

Amazon Logo.jpg

Is Amazon convinced they have a Magic Peni$?

Wrong. Anyone who possesses a Magic Peni$ can’t simply walk away from a good challenge (My brain back then was pretty clueless about unworkable mindsets. When romantic relationships take on the tone and tenor of high-stress events, you can pretty much predict the outcome).

It’s not my intention to make light in any way of the trauma that results from sexual abuse. For many people, men and women alike, it results in lifelong pain and suffering. And many who suffer seemingly unrelated maladies, like shopping addictions or impulse control, never connect the dots to the original, earlier cause. With the benefit of time, experience, neurobiology, trauma study and hindsight what I now realize is … there was no real magic in my Magic Peni$. Duh. Instead, what there was was … healing trying to happen. I just happened to be the guy, in a few instances, with whom some actually was able to.

Safety is the Treatment

Several things contributed to those positive experiences as best I can tell. One was: I’m a pretty safe guy to be around. I have never forced anyone to do anything they didn’t want to do. I can actually hear “No” as “No” and stop whatever I’m doing when told to. I’ve even taught women the SUDs Scale and invited them to practice with me. As psychophysiologist, Steve Porges reminds us: “Safety is the treatment.”


SUDs Scale

Another contributing factor, in my estimation was that the sexual trauma these women experienced was something they wanted to heal, and they were open to that possibility. Complex trauma that involves extended physical, emotional and sexual abuse was not part of these women’s personal history. Except for the last woman above. Zuza had all of the elements of complex trauma – a father who incested her, a mother who criticized and demeaned her and refused to believe her accusations, date rapes in high school, even a period of prostitution involving abusive men (healing trying, but failing, to happen?).

Needless to say, Zuza and my relationship was troublesome and trauma-reenacting from the start. For both of us. Unfortunately, neither of us knew then what we have subsequently learned separately later. We only lasted together long enough to realize that the greater part of our healing journey lay ahead of us. And we wouldn’t be taking it together.


This week’s post offers another couple of Enchanted Loom illustrated book reviews. The first is Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel’s book, The Logic of Faith. This offering is Elizabeth’s interpretation, after many years of study, of the Buddhist conditions that underlie much suffering in the world: Dependent Origination. If you want to know why life sucks and is scary at those times that it is, this may be the book for you.

Image result for the logic of faithThe second book is a transcription of a give and take dialogue between two longtime friends, former Harvard professor and spiritual teacher Ram Dass and contemplative activist, Mirabai Bush. The title of their collaboration is, Walking Each Other Home. It explores the preparations they each are making as the end of their respective lives draws closer daily. Click on the book images to read the reviews.

Image result for walking each other home book

“The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.” ~ Elie Wiesel

I’m not on my deathbed (as far as I know), even though there’s a high probability that I’m well past my brain’s and body’s natural lifespan mid-point. Which is kind of a significant teaching in itself – brain cells have instruction sets written into them to activate their natural, organic demise. It’s called apoptosis. I’ve written about it a number of times over the years.

Bolte Taylor Brain

Jill’s artwork: “Neural Processing”

So, assuming that I still have some hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades (?) to go, when I do finally find myself on my deathbed, what might be the ONE neuroscience teaching that I’d like people to remember (and not necessarily remember me for beating a dead horse over and over about it)?

There are, of course, many compelling, OMG! teachings about the brain that I’ve written about over the years. Jill Bolte Taylor’s description of what it looks like when the brain apprehends the world without our language centers running noisy interference – that’s high up on the list.

So is the FACT of neuroplasticity, as covered at length by Norman Doidge in both of his books. What’s not so well known or well-researched is just HOW plastic the brain really is – mounting masses of cell assemblies that may only last for microseconds and correlate with varying degrees of consciousness.

The One Teaching

But those are not the ONE neuroscience teaching I’d want to leave you with if I was on my deathbed. A brain fingerprintNor is the fact that every brain is unique unto its owner, just like fingerprints. And in that uniqueness, sometimes neural fiber tracts can wander from one brain sensory area into another, showing up as the ability to smell sounds or hear colors (synesthesia). Like I said, each of our brains is unique and changing microsecond by microsecond. But that’s not my deathbed teaching.

Here it is …

Brains grow and become healthy and maintain that health by a single evolutionary process: feedback loops. The interactions that go on between brain cells and extra-cellular glycoproteins, genetic transcription factors and signalling molecules produce feedback loops that are best described as Collaborative or Contingent Communication (CC). Behaviorally, it’s exemplified by what parents naturally do when they speak “motherse” (or fatherese) to their young children. It’s what pet owners do when they speak “puppyese” to new puppies. Contingent Communication is the primary driver of secure attachment in children and in pets. It’s what allows them to build brain networks that can easily regulate arousal, and it’s what makes people and pets feel safe and at home in our presence. Contingent communication, in fact, is us paying close, focused attention, and it is what lends us presence. Again, it’s the fundamental process that builds healthy brains.

Divine Beautiful Brain

Contingent Communication

On my deathbed I would have to deliver you both the good news and the bad news about Contingent Communication. Contingent Communication is complex and requires us to grow large dedicated fiber tracts associated with all the sensory centers, helping them to become operationally integrated. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that learning and practicing it is not easy; most of us suck at it. The main reason we suck at it is because we haven’t been taught how important it is – it’s the fundamental process involved in brain cells coming into being and morphing into different varieties and then being directed to various neighborhoods – different lobes and hemispheres across the brain. And we rarely learn the importance of mimicking this fundamental brain development process in our daily lives. No one teaches us how to design activities to strengthen a Contingent Communication practice. We don’t learn the critical importance of responding to the world and the people in it in a timely and effective manner (emphasis on timely and effective).

Artists, in my experience, often implicitly operate at a level of depth and understanding of CC. It doesn’t matter what their artistic medium is – they have to learn to pay exquisitely granular attention to what their art is wanting them to attend to, to learn. They take what they discover and then attempt to put it into creative practice. Then they rinse and repeat – a constant process of give and take, add and subtract, put together/take apart. This instructive story about jazz pianist Keith Jarrett exemplifies the granular depth and complexity that the Art of Contingent Communication can be taken to.

Applied Contingent Communication

The work of Leah Green, founder of The Compassionate Listening Project and Marshall Rosenberg, originator of trainings in Non-Violent Communication, essentially try to address the listening element of Contingent Communication. The main takeaway from their work is that … we actually need to train and practice this critical brain-benefiting activity. On my deathbed, my last wish would be a life-affirming one. It would be for each and every one of you reading this blog to creatively design and establish venues for taking your own CC practice out into the world. Humanity sorely needs the knowledge and awareness you now possess.

*** If these posts over the years have been helpful, buy me a coffee:


How to Court a Fruitfly

How to Court a Fruitfly

It’s not as easy as you might think. Turns out it a lot depends upon whether or not your Courtship Command Center’s P1 neurons are hyper-activating your motivation and perception circuitry. If Central Command is flooding your brain with massive amounts of dopamine, chances are increased that you’ll try to put some moves on. But even then, only 44% of the time. Turns out for fruitflies, it’s not about the sex. It’s about the brain – sex is all in their head!

Eating SunlightEating Sunlight

In this spirited TED Talk, physicist Ruben Meerman breaks down the mathematics of weight loss. In the process he exposes a lot of myths and misconceptions about what weight/fat actually is and where it actually goes when we lose it. Hint: You might wonder, but it’s not responsible for global warming.

Why Where You Live and Who You Live With Matters

So, my dissertation research took me around to spiritual communities in Tennessee, Maine, Upstate NY and Sea Ranch in CA. One thing became clear to me over and over: Where and who you live with is as important as how you live. Part of why I stayed at CASBS at Stanford for 10 years (I was only planning to stay for 6 months!) was because of the paradisaical, secure environment up on the top of the hill looking over all of Silicon Valley. No C-Reactive Protein imbalances for me!

If power were a prescription drug, it would come with a long list of known side effects. It can intoxicate. It can corrupt. It can even make Henry Kissinger believe that he’s sexually magnetic. But can it cause brain damage? Thus begins the opening paragraph of this compelling article. Further, historian Henry Adams described power as “a sort of tumor that ends by killing the victim’s sympathies.” Years of lab and field experiments show that people under the influence of power act as if they have suffered a traumatic brain injury. They become more impulsive, less risk-aware, and less able to see things from other people’s perspective. Like the famous Phineas Gage, they’ve got no Theory of Mind!

I can easily imagine a day when we will be able to readily and painlessly metabolize traumatic memories similar to what happens when people successfully move into and fully through a complex grieving process. Gene and protein applications will very likely play a role. And as you might expect, the Military Industrial Complex is deeply immersed in such research for less than suffering-reduction reasons, unfortunately.


It’s been awhile since I’ve posted any Enchanted Loom Slideshare reviews of books I’ve found to be helpful aids in the reduction of suffering. So, I’m taking this week’s blogging opportunity to introduce you to two. Unthinkable

The first is Helen Thomson’s, Unthinkable: An extraordinary journey through the world’s strangest brains. Click HERE for the Enchanted Loom graphic review of the book.

The second book is Byron Katie’s, Unthinkable.jpgA Mind at Home With Itself. To take a look at that Enchanted Loom review, click HERE.

Syndrome E: Inside the Brains of Ordinary People Perping Evil

With Syndrome E, Itzhak Fried has identified a cluster of 10 neuro-psychological symptoms that are often present when evil acts are committed – when, as he puts it, groups of previously nonviolent individuals turn into “repetitive killers of defenseless members of society.” The 10 neuro-psychological symptoms are:

Is-There-Such-a-Thing-as-Pure-Evil.jpg1. Repetition: the aggression is repeated compulsively.
2. Obsessive ideation: the perpetrators are obsessed with ideas that justify their aggression and underlie missions of ethnic cleansing, for instance that all Westerners, or all Muslims, or all Jews, or all Tutsis are evil.
3. Perseveration: circumstances have no impact on the perpetrator’s behavior, who perseveres even if the action is self-destructive.
4. Diminished affective reactivity: the perpetrator has no emotional affect.
5. Hyperarousal: the elation experienced by the perpetrator is a high induced by repetition, and a function of the number of victims.
6. Intact language, memory and problem-solving skills: the syndrome has no impact on higher cognitive abilities.
7. Rapid habituation: the perpetrator becomes desensitized to the violence.
8. Compartmentalization: the violence can take place in parallel to an ordinary, affectionate family life.
9. Environmental dependency: the context, especially identification with a group and obedience to an authority, determines what actions are possible.
10. Group contagion: belonging to the group enables the action, each member mapping his behavior on the other.

You Are Not Human: How Words Kill

This is a scary book. It’s an in-depth exploration in how skilled word-crafters are put to work to make us believe all kinds of weird and crazy things that are wholly intended to serve malevolent interests. From Hitler’s propagandists to present political speech-writers of today, we get an in-depth look at how the structural and developmental limitations of our brain functioning gets exploited day in and day out. And how great suffering for many is the inevitable result, including for the people – in their self-serving ignorance – doing the exploiting.

Your Lying Mind

I’ve written a lot in this blog over the years about the 185 cognitive biases – our brain not working well and failing to clue us in to that fact – listed in Wikipedia. This Atlantic Magazine article goes into depth on several biases that contribute to considerable suffering in the world. Knowing such biases exist however, does not make us immune to their operations in our lives. It’s helpful to have friends and colleagues point such distortions out to us, especially if those friends and colleagues have had … Training in Tenderness.

sexual-violence.jpgThis is something that the WORLD, and especially the men in it, would be well-served to profoundly and compassionately understand: SEXUAL VIOLENCE PERPETRATED UPON WOMEN IS NOT LIKE OTHER TRAUMA … And the cost is significant to the women affected. Much of the world gets framed through the violation that has been perpetrated upon them and the limitations that result cost the women, their friends and families and the larger culture, dearly. I wholeheartedly believe that if only this shadow-crime were eliminated from the planet, the flourishing of the human race would be unparalleled. Three cheers for whatever the @MeToo Movement can do to bring this violence into the healing light of day. I pray that Dr. Blasey Ford gets her say.
Blame it on your caudate nucleus. If you’re not a “happy, happy, joy, joy” kind of person, this may be the part of your brain that’s responsible. What’s interesting to me is that the caudate nucleus turns out to be hyper-senstive to stress. And the research literature is overwhelming in its indictment of decisions made under stress – rarely ideal and too often negatively biased by our threat-detection circuitry.


As many long-time readers know, I’ve cut back on regularly writing, editing and posting creative work to this blog. I’ve cut back for many reasons; mostly because I thought 520 continuous weeks of posting was disciplined enough. Another reason was because I didn’t constantly have topics I was passionate enough to write about on demand every week. I know that inspiration favors the disciplined, but I also know that it favors other ways of creatively operating as well. But the main reason I stopped regularly writing, editing and posting, was because for the last year I’ve been tele-mentoring people in “The Neurobiology of Sacred Relationship” (see below). After 10 years, blogging had turned into a half-love for me, and thus the time had come for it to be at least partially forsaken. My increasing interest in the brain’s role in Sacred Relationship made it clear that it was time to change things up.

Ordo Amoring Whole-Loves

Forsake is an interesting word. It means to give up or renounce something formerly held dear. When we skillfully do so, we aspire to something better.

Curvy Pod Front

A Recent Enchanted Prayer Pod

Often, though, there is no guarantee that something better will be the result of our renunciation. I may have to actually work at, or be open to such a possibility. Not only that, but having to make hard choices between what I love and what I love most (“Ordering our Loves” according to St. Augustine) can at times be absolutely excruciating. Such is sometimes the nature of Sacred Work or Sacred Relationship.

Last year, I posted here about my difficulty in giving up house-building. I’ve had a Sacred Relationship with it for more than two decades. While I could no longer build 6000 square foot mansions for high-tech billionaires, I could still build small pods for a single homeless person to sleep in. But even that’s become challenging, especially during the cold, rainy Pacific Northwest winters. My most recent effort: A 6 square foot memorial Little Free Library for a local charity. Old housebuilders never die, we simply reduce our square footage.

Sacred People Relationships

Obviously, we can form special, Sacred Relationships with more than just work. Sacred Relationships with other people is the recent area I’ve been creatively exploring. What might be the nature of a Sacred Relationship between two or more people? One thing brain science might tell us is … it’s probably going to be idiosyncratic and unique to the people involved, given the complicated nature of our brains and bodies filled with complex neural matrices and network effects we can’t even begin to imagine. At the same time, a Sacred Relationship is very likely to be profoundly influenced by many of the same factors that affect brain development: genetic ancestry, pre- and perinatal health, stress and nutrition, cultural heritage, past and present environmental influences, Adverse Childhood Experiences, the national and international political environment, spiritual direction … the list of potential influences is a long one. Ignorance of which sadly contributes to the fact that:

  • 41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
  • 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
  • 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.

Clearly, Sacred Relationships take work to make and keep sacred. But what sort of work? And how much? Heinz Kohut, the founder of Self-Psychology, once remarked, “The secret to a good marriage is having only one person go crazy at a time.” If I was to echo Kohut with a positive slant, it would be: “One secret to a Sacred Relationship is mastering emotional self-regulation strategies.” Often easier said than done, of course, since few of us have been taught such strategies and the better you get at them the greater the challenges for amping up your mastery are likely to become! Here is a recent example of a violation of the sacred. Sacred is hard.


Healing Relationship Crucible

Relational Learning

Be that as it may, there are things we can learn and small, incremental changes we can make. Simply knowing and understanding how the biology of hyper-arousal feels in our body can make a difference. So can understanding the often reciprocal, dovetailing differences between one person’s brain and an other’s. And then there’s the expansive, creative possibilities that emerge when we frame our primary relationships as a crucible within which “healing’s always trying to happen.”

Over the past year I’ve put together a series of four interactive online “explorinars,” during which time I’ve been mindfully person-testing them. I’m now ready to make time for three (3) people to investigate The Neurobiology of Sacred Relationships with me at 7AM Pacific time on Sunday mornings. If this offering might be of interest and you’d like to know more, feel free to check out the above link or email me: floweringbrain@gmail.com