“To listen is to be vulnerable. You allow something outside your body to come inside. To be open and impressionable, to hear everything, is dangerous. You can be damaged all too easily.” ~ W. A. Mathieu
From my very first post on this blog back in 2007, most everything I research and write here has one primary central aim: to increase the awareness of, and to reduce the amount and degree of suffering in people’s lives. Recently I received an email from a friend informing me and a number of other close friends about the death of her mother after a three-year, extremely painful struggle with pancreatic cancer. Not surprisingly, many who received the note responded back to my friend and also to everyone else on the list. What was surprising is that many of those responses barely acknowledged my friend’s loss. Instead, they immediately began waxing emotionally about the difficult death of a relative of their own, or their own struggles with painful illness. It was like they’d been looking for the perfect invitation to let the world know of their own suffering, and this was it.
Non-Contingent Mis-Communication
Only it wasn’t. Not being heard, emotionally felt and understood, dismissed and superceded by someone else’s needs is the exact opposite of the “contingent communication” which research has shown to be supremely instrumental and essential for lifelong learning and neural plasticity; and for cultivating the empathy circuitry absolutely necessary for forming close connections.
When I discussed this incident with my wife, she clarified that if we haven’t been on the receiving end of authentic empathy, then it’s going to be very challenging for us to consistently be on the transmitting end. In other words, other people have to model, reflect and express authentic empathy to us during our emotionally trying times – ideally, in childhood – in order for us to grow sufficient neural circuitry to be able to genuinely express it to others later on down the road.
But what if this experience hasn’t happened much in our early or later lives? I think the response to my friend’s reaching out for compassion, consoling and condolences (from the Latin condoleo ,“I feel another’s pain”) perfectly illustrates what happens – people’s own story, the need to express their own pain and grief takes over. The result, most often, is an emotional miss or disconnect. In other words, there’s unfortunately, no believable sign of an open heart.
The Theory of Feeling Felt
Attachment researchers and social and cognitive neuroscientists have long recognized the critical role that having others respond to us in ways that let us know they “grok” us plays in unfolding human development. When it happens, we “feel felt.” Specifically, children grow critical brain network circuitry that allows them to develop a robust Theory of Mind. Theory of Mind is the research field that investigates how children grow up and develop authentic empathy. They can genuinely feel another’s emotional reality. Empathy operates on a continuum, of course. Too much and people become emotionally enmeshed. Parents are especially susceptible to enmeshment. Too little empathy and you’re more likely to become the CEO of a corporation or be remanded to a locked facility.
It’s Never Too Late to Have a Heart-felt Adulthood
I’m in the process of organizing an offering designed specifically to address this developmental need in our culture, not for children, but for adults. Have you experienced a great need to be understood, only to have it get pre-empted by other people telling you their story? I’m researching skillful remedies and replies to this kind of communication and I’d really love to know if this experience of mis-communication happens out in the real world as much as I think it does. Feel free to comment below.
This feels like it would be an excellent way to approach the world – to search for better understanding or to simply see and to acknowledge that one has seen what is presented and to accept it. It seems to be what we do for everything that we don’t wish to improve or impress.
I was just discussing this very subject, slightly modified, with my family last night. I was saying how, when someone makes a comment about how they don’t like something, and it’s an opinion I don’t agree with, I will immediately jump in with my own opinion and a subtle reframing for theirs, thus immediately invalidating their opinion.
My new strategy is going to be saying something like, “Tell me more about that” or a truly empathetic and curious “how did you arrive at that?” I know that it’s therapist speak, but it also will get me out of my conversational oneupmanship.
Good for you, Jayne. I will be curious to see what kinds of responses you get in taking up this change of practice. One thing I can promise: it’s good for YOUR Brain! Best,
Mark
On Sun, Apr 26, 2015 at 12:36 PM, The Committed Parent wrote:
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Years ago, when I read “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller, I realized that although my mother didn’t “look” narcissistic, she treated me as a container and holder for her own emotions, instead of the other way around. Consequently that’s what I equated w/ “Love” and attachment. For decades I had been drawn to women friends w/ whom I could recreate those bonding dynamics.
Several years ago, in a Diamond Heart inquiry exercise, my partner highlighted back to me that I mentioned the feeling of “being leeched” in relationship and many pieces fell into place. After interactions with my mother and her stand-ins, I would feel completely drained.
It’s taken me many years (and still now) to be conscious of these dynamics and wean myself off them. I was left w/ feeling not “grokked” but w/ this kind of “as if” craving. If only this kind of person could really see me, hear me, feel me (sounds like the lyrics to the Who’s Tommy!), everything would finally, finally be all right.
Part of the work is for me to see/hear/feel myself, and also be aware of when I am slipping into the old pattern, and also cultivate those friendships which are reciprocal, and finding the deep satisfaction that they provide.
The first and primary thing for me is Self-Connection.
Thanks, Mark, as always for what you do in the world.
Hi Marla,
Thanks for offering up this difficult period of personal history. It’s often very challenging for children to have good perspective on the overt and covert, positive and negative influences on their early development. The brain, of course, has a bias towards the negative, since that has more survival value. As adults though, because integrative healing is constantly yearning for wholeness, these less-than-optimal patterns will invariably come cycling around. And around and around, until we actually find some creative ways to manage them. Or at least to examine them in the context of our lives. 😉
I think your creative call to use film in the service of such healing, for yourself and for others, is a vehicle that holds extraordinary potential. I hope more and more people are coming to deeply under- stand the possibilities and potentials such an experience offers.
Continued blessings on the journey.
XOXOX Mark
*”A moment of unbridled, loving care towards another human being* *momentarily frees us from the bondage of our own self-centeredness.”* *~ Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel, The Power of an Open Question*
On Sun, Apr 26, 2015 at 10:27 AM, The Committed Parent wrote:
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Hmmm. Adult Feeling Felt Communication. Several things come to mind. One is Brene Brown’s differentiation between sympathy and empathy. Another are the positive imprints from infant and early childhood. (http://www.kindredmedia.org/2014/03/videos-kate-white/). These are all about feeling felt and heard and promoting a sense of belonging and feeling lovable. Another moment this not feeling heard moment happens is around childbirth. A mother tells her story and others jump in with theirs. I look forward to your course. Please sign me up as always.
Thanks, Kate. I’m guessing these kinds of “misses” before, during and after birth can have profoundly adverse consequences for whole families generations on end. Sad, but true. I suspect. I’m truly glad you and others are out there doing something about it. XOXOX Mark
*”A moment of unbridled, loving care towards another human being* *momentarily frees us from the bondage of our own self-centeredness.”* *~ Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel, The Power of an Open Question*
On Sun, Apr 26, 2015 at 8:07 AM, The Committed Parent wrote:
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