Back when I managed research facilities – about 12 buildings on the Stanford campus – every summer I would hire extra help to do some of the deferred maintenance while folks were away on break. Usually I would select big, strapping high school beef-eaters to help with the heavy lifting. One summer I caught Dan and Chris, who were supposed to be power-washing the building exteriors, goofing off inside one of the offices.
“If I catch you messing around again,” I mock-confronted them, “I’m going to tell your mother on you!” The sudden look of shock, shame and horror on both their burly football faces took me completely by surprise. I had, it seems, unexpectedly tapped into a very vulnerable place.
The First Voice You Hear
Coincidentally that year, one of the visiting scholars in residence at Stanford was Fred Erickson from UCLA. Fred is an expert in prosody which involves speech and its rhythms, intonations and stresses. Each of our brains pays first attention to how things are said, and then secondarily, to whatever the words might mean. Beginning at roughly five weeks in utero, according to Alfred Tomatis, the so-called, “Einstein of the ear,” embryos begin tuning in to the intermittent reinforcement of mother’s voice. Mother’s voice, it turns out, very likely drives early neural development, and later takes on profound significance that can last a lifetime. For good or ill – for impoverished neural development or for enriched development – mother’s voice is closely connected to survival for young children. Thus they learn to pay exquisite attention to it from the get-go. And since words have no meaning yet, what gets paid most of the attention is … prosody.
Children who are separated from mothers at birth generally have difficult times developmentally. This is not unreasonable, since one major energy source driving neural development has been abruptly removed. Tomatis had great success with such children in France by simply recording the voices of birth mothers and playing them in a specifically sequenced manner. (He later obtained good success with recordings by Mozart and Gregorian chanting as well).
If it were up to me, digital video and audio recordings of birth mothers and their voices would be stored on the Internet and would be accessible to all children across their whole lifespan. There’s nothing so soothing as a loving mother’s voice as this research by Leslie Seltzer and Seth Pollak at the University of Wisconsin – Madison demonstrates: a kindly telephone call from mom dramatically lowers cortisol and increases oxytocin. And we know such conditions are excellent for brain development.
The Unkindest Abuse of All
The operative word in the above research, of course, is kindly. Just as mother’s kind voice profoundly and positively affects neurotrophins (proteins that support brain cells’ survival, differentiation and growth), it has an equally disproportionate negative effect when unkindness, criticism or screaming is involved. In these cases, mother’s voice strikes terror in the heart.
Current research suggests that somewhere between 80-90% of American parents scream at their kids (Almost 100% scream at seven-year-olds for some reason). After the first few episodes the initial fear that kids experience eventually gives way and kids’ own neurology conditions them toward tuning out. But what is tuning out? I would argue that tuning out is a form of dissociation. The “Whatever Response” is a forced intellectual and emotional disengagement. Left brain and right brain go bye-bye. And as “recovering neurologist,” Bob Scaer and others point out, dissociation promotes the antithesis of neurogenesis and synaptogenesis – the growing and connecting of new neurons in the network. Tuning out impoverishes neural development.
Guiding The Mouthy Majority
What then are 80-90% of American parents to do? This is where the creative aspects of parenting live. First of all, even if you don’t really believe that screaming at kids is all that damaging, in this instance we, and our kids, are better off by taking Pascal’s Wager. That is, by acting as if screaming actually is damaging. If it is damaging, then we’ve taken active steps to address it. If it’s not damaging, then the steps we’ve actively taken result in no harm, no foul.
And the steps to take? Off the top of my head, I can think of two. First is, to make a game or practice to see how often I can catch myself mid-scream. It’s sort of like, “Aha, my limbic system got me again!” Once I’ve caught myself and taken the time to settle down, I can then take on the work of relationship repair. I can offer apologies for losing my cool and explain that I am experimenting with trying to catch myself when I get emotionally out of control. Apologies help kids know that parents are human and that we do things we don’t really want to more often than we might like. Parenting is a practice, and putting the power of mother’s voice to work in it, can produce dramatic results.
What is Mark’s definition of “screaming”?? I speak sternly to my kids when they don’t listen or are acting up but actual screaming – no. Is there a difference?
mark hi, received announcement from drew list with your name on it and did a double take…we bought property on whidbey
a house and studio…we live in vienna, austria…will be at the house near goss lake till aug 14,
2428 huckleberry ln langley 98260
contacts house 1 360 3215613
cell 1 347 2606
would be nice to see your visit here or ?
will will rent house on agu 15
regards
don rothenberg, family, susanne, son max and his friend
don.rothenberg@utanet.at we have internet here also
Thanks for this excellent blog !
I thought touching was the first sense to develop in the uterus…
Anyway Gordon, yes, and Ginott through Faber & Mazlish (Liberated Parents, Liberated Children ; How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk) helped me a lot to slow down, not scream at my kid and work on the whole way I talk to him. The workshops were a must.
Mark
I’m in Barbados. Just got connected to the net and your blog was the first thing I wanted to read. Another excellent post!
I am sure I screamed at my four kids when I was frustrated, but I hope it wasn’t that often. I didnt know about the limbic system then…. 🙂
mark:
some great thoughts here. thanks.
as far as dissociation goes, a phenomenal book that describes this phenomenon as “detachment”, and proceeds to hypothesize (based on long experience) about exactly what tuning out is, and why it happens, is dr. gordon neufeld’s HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS. incredible read. i think you’d enjoy it.
Mark, how true! Even my 17 year old as he preps for college next fall, is so caught in my verbal “kindly” expressed insights. He fears criticsm from me and takes any comments from Dad with ease and grace.
I long have known that Preston is my Buddha, that I learn from him about myself. This insight, kicks me in the solar plexes as I want to be the kindly voice he hears in his head.
As he traverses the Separation/Individuation time now, he seems so convinced that he has to lash our bond apart for him to leave for college. So we are avoiding each other to not slash and burn. I find myself thinking, “don’t let the door hit you on the way out…” and then, please come back and hug me before you go. I so remember, Katherine Hepburn and Laurence Olivier in “The Lion in Winter”, she clutching his leg as he drags her across the floor, following her notice of continual banishment to the tower, “Every family has their ups and downs.”
I am a mother I am touched by the way my words are treated as ‘God’s words’ by my child. It is the most important responsibility. This relegates me to the ‘wise ancestor’ category.
Hi Mark,
Thank you for this blog on the power of mother’s voice. I also loved the Bob Scaer article on dissociation. That was most informative! I will have to print that and read the books by Damasio referenced in the article. I keep saying I’m going to do that someday. Your blog has such good information. It helps to keep me on the right track!
Thanks,
Jane
Mark,
As a parent of a special needs kid, it is nice to read your posts. Even when my son is at his worst, ( he is 17 ) and having real trouble, he will calm at my voice and is able to communicate with me. Granted he is way smarter than I ever will be and really is doing well….that being said it is nice to see confirmation. Nice blogging.
ALSO HAVE HEARD THAT THE HEARING IS THE LAST THING TO SHUT DOWN BEFORE DEATH AND ONE CAN HEAR WHILE IN A COMA!
INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH I JUST READ THAT HEARING A MOTHERS KINDLY VOICE CAN LOWER ONE’S STRESS LEVEL AND BRING PEACE IF THERE WAS AN ABSENCE OF IT!
SOMETIMES I DON’T LIKE HAVING ALL THIS AFFECT…..MOSTLY BECAUSE I GOOFED UP ALOT BUT IT REALLY IS SUCH AN HONOR, AND GIFT TO BE A MOTHER TO MY 3 “JEWELS”!!
I LOVE YOUR BLOG MARK! THANKS.
oops – thanks for today’s excellent blog, Mark –
Liz
As taught by Magda Gerber’s Educaring Approach (www.rie.org), parents will learn cut back their reactive screaming by one main behavioral shift: slowing down. It’s a win-win. By taking the time to become a more sensitive observer of one’s newborn, the evolving parent/child relationship can be based on mutual respect and regard for the authentic needs of BOTH humans, baby and adult. Long ago Gerber, the visionary, advised adults to “Unbusy your head.” As expert Dr. Bruce Perry says, “the brain allows us our humanity… humane caregiving expresses our capacity to be humane.” Check out the upcoming day-long Infant/Toddler Conference for Parents and Professionals hosted by Resources for Infant Educarers on Sunday, June 6 at Skirball Cultural Center in Los Angeles. Richard Bowlby (yes, John’s son) is keynoting “Why Early Relationships Matter: RIE and Attachment Theory” that will present the reasons the Educaring Approach from birth to age two means the world to lifelong relationships where authenticity, harmony and non-violence abound.
Hi Mark-
I loved today’s blog. Couples are so attuned also to each other’s voices and tone. Often partners react before they even know what the words are.
Thanks for sharing your expertise!
Ellyn