The topic of spanking has been at hand of late. In my mind, spanking children is like going to war. When, according to a report issued by the Zero-to-Three organization, 61% of American’s have attack strategies in their arsenal and poor impulse control that impels their use, this is a recipe for big trouble in my opinion. One reason is, it often ends up stopping us short of doing a much more difficult work. What kind of work? Perhaps work like examining our own behavior and addressing our own fears and anxieties, and then searching for and coming up with more effective, creative solutions for teaching children what is acceptable behavior and what is not.
Practicing Aikido Consciousness
In my mind, one thing children show up in our lives with great power to help us with is our own growth and development. And when we look at a martial arts metaphor like aikido – which primarily trains practi- tioners in non-attack – what we discover are many possible creative alternatives to spanking children. When I’m feeling like attacking other people – in this case, children – what I’m generally NOT doing, is looking at how my actions might be co-creating the conditions that seem to warrant war-like responses. The inability to do this kind of discernment often indicates impaired prefrontal-limbic connectivity and integration. An unfortunate result of having been spanked as children ourselves?
Be the Discipline You Want to Instill
That’s one issue. Another is that when spanking is on the table as a discipline option, some people use it in ways that unfortunately, and often unwittingly, end up doing serious damage to neural development, especially in girls. I would say that spanking children in response to our own limbic system having been hijacked is again, more often than not, a signal that it is we who have some work to do. Why would we treat our children any differently than we would treat our spouse or our best friend or our pastor or spiritual teacher? Especially when research shows that kids not only don’t learn the lessons spanking is attempting to teach, but that it mostly makes them feel resentful, humiliated and helpless. The brain is an associative organ and kids powerfully learn what they have painfully modeled for them. Is a model that says it’s all right to assault other human beings who are smaller and less powerful, or when I can’t control myself, something we should feel comfortable presenting? I wonder how many of us who do so, can’t not spank our kids. In other words, we can’t really help ourselves. We get hi-jacked in the moment and lose the ability to control ourselves.
Obviously we want our children to be safe and well-cared for, but is threatening them, or physically hitting them the best way to provide them with a feeling of safety? Considerable research suggests not, and in my experience a Command Voice, or physically holding or leading children in the direction we desire, is often more than enough to control most kids. Physically assaulting our kids, in my opinion, turns parents into caregivers who can no longer be fully trusted. Is that good or bad? I think it’s certainly sub-optimal from a neuro-developmental point of view. And as C. S. Lewis observed, “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims, may be the most oppressive. Those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”
I Turned Out Okay
Oftentimes parents will rationalize and defend their actions (a sign of their own discomfort?) by saying things like “If you spare the rod, you spoil the child” (This phrase, by the way, is not from the Bible but from Samuel Butler’s “Hudibras”, a 17th Century satirical poem. The poem, like his novel, The Way of All Flesh, was written to expose and denounce violence against children) or, “I was spanked as a child and I turned out all right.” To these rationalizations I generally respond, “Compared to what?” What we know about networks is that when you have a collection of nodal points (discrete neurons), and they begin connecting up, at some point, one final connection will connect every single node, setting the whole network ablaze. It’s like finding the faulty bulb in the Christmas tree lights that suddenly lights up the whole string. When that happens we have a lot more processing power available to us. Suppose those spankings we got as kids were the one thing that has prevented massive numbers of neurons in our own brain from fully connecting and thickening our cerebral cortex to the point of brilliance? How unfortunate is that? What might we be like with twice or ten times the energy and more multiple intelligences than we now have? The point is that we really don’t know what damage spanking might do. If that’s true, with respect to spanking wouldn’t we be much better off making Pascal’s Wager?
Finally, one last thing to consider is Alice Walker’s wise template as a parenting guideline – Is spanking really best for the children?
The Committed Parent 
Thank you for writing this! I was spanked as a child–though not “at all” in an abusive way, but I find the whole practice of spanking children so disrespectful and creepy. It caused me a lot of confusion growing up.
You absolutely CANNOT go wrong with love. Those who spank are ignorant, uneducated bullies. Please, parents, change the world starting with your own little ones. The Bible speaks of turning the hearts to the parent…you surely won’t achieve that by spanking.
Honestly, I am sick and tired of people saying that this generation gets by with too much and that a good spanking would get us back on track. As a kid who her never been spanked, this offends me and angers me. So, I am going to use a counter-arguments for the ones that give me “I got spanked and I turned out just fine” here is my argument “I DIDN’T get spanked, and so far, I am a pretty normal person. I don’t smoke, do drugs, take advantage of my parents. So…yeah. A non-spanked kid could turn out just as well-or even better-than a kid who was spanked. I’ve heard from kids that they respected their parents because of the spanking, I also managed to learn that they were scares as heck. See, fearing your mom or dad isn’t the same as respecting them. Aren’t we supposed to make kids feel loved and safe? Well obviously by hitting them and making them feel afraid those people have failed to do so. There are studies that show that toddlers that were hit on the hand while touching a forbidden object as opposed to toddlers that were not were not as well at exploring their surroundings. When a four year old walks onto the street without a parent, he’s not blatantly disobeying, he doesn’t even know he’s in danger. He or she is simply experiencing their surroundings. Spanking for being fidgety is not justified either. Kids will naturally get impatient after being made to stand still for a long time. Will spanking really fix the problem? No- the child will stand unhappily in line afraid to say anything for fear of getting another spanking. As for the whole “Kids get by with too much” It has NOTHING to do with spanking. It’s because the parents do not discipline at ALL that we are having these problems. There are other ways to discipline besides spanking but for some people, it’s either “spanking” or “letting him/her get away with it” Or if someone doesn’t spank their kid they automatically assume they’re being put into “time out” NO-how come those spankers don’t stop to think that maybe parents have other more effective ways of disciplining their kid? Why is it always “A well behaved spanked child” or “An unspanked thug who kills and steals” Well a kid who hurts others is no worse than a parent who spanks. No I don’t care what you call it, whether it’s spanking whipping or swatting you are hurting your kid. Think about it. One word-discipline- and it’s okay for a parent to pull down their kid’s shorts and beat their butt even if it’s in a public place. But if the same thing was pulled on an adult-BOOM! The offender is in jail for sexual harrassment. For god’s sake, it’s illegal to hit your DOG with a belt but it’s justified to use it on a kid? Then the spankers have the nerve to act like the non-spanker’s children are the undisciplined brats. Just because you are not assulted does NOT make you a brat. And do you not deny that if someone did this to another adult it would count as assult? Or sexual harrasment? And for kids it’s “discipline” and if you don’t get it you were “lucky or spoiled”
By the way, there are plenty of websites with articles written by people who have researched and will tell you why it’s not okay to spank. You just have to look for them. There is no controlled way to hit anyone, including a child. Please don’t act on your impulses and kid your kid. It will lose their respect and make you fear them
Hmm.. for me, a 56 yr old grandmother who WAS spanked, spanking is abuse pure & simple. Adults, even criminals, and animals are not allowed to be hit, but say the magic word ‘discipline’ & suddenly it becomes de rigueur and fine! Well it isn’t. I am sure that, despite being done for hundreds if not thousands of years, we don’t hit the wife, keep slaves or rape & bugger the household toddlers and children as in Ancient Rome!
If you think your child ‘settles down’ after a spanking, or is ‘fine’ with it think again. As for spanking a 2 yr old for age related behaviour I despair !!! As the parent of a toddler, YOU are responsible for making sure that child doesn’t run in the road. He is incapable of understanding the dangers. And he doesn’t ‘push boundaries’. He is exploring his world, just as his brain is wired to do, it is how humans learn. The adult is supposed to be making the house safe not allowing a child to hurt itself – not, when it tries to explore and goes to put a fork in the electric socket, hit it !
Spanking with anger is dangerous. Spanking ‘in cold blood’ is plain disgusting – and frightening for a child.
My parents spanked me, and from the FIRST smack, of the first spanking ever, my parents lost me. They lost my love, trust, and respect. [I have never respected people who hit others and still do not!] All I ever learned, was fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment. [I was a quiet, well behaved child who respected authority and hitting me did me no favours] I learned that parents lie, and will and can do anything. I learned that they didn’t love me – and not, all that hugging and post spanking pep talk of ‘oh we love you’ meant nothing to me. Why would it ? They had just proved they didn’t love me by hitting me!!! I seethed inside, and they never gained back my respect, love or real trust.
I spoke to my mother about a year or two back just before she died, and told her how bad it had been for me, how it STILL affected me, how angry and unloved I had always felt. She just said that I looked and acted ok in her opinion, and never accepted my pain. I was ‘warm loving and compassionate’ – and I hated them and feared them. So, you can’t tell until that little child you are hitting grows up. And even then.
No child ‘needs’ to be spanked, to be hit. No more than YOU or I do for late payment of a bill, or sounding off at your partner.
I never spanked my children, and they are great adults. What are you going to do, when that spanking no longer works? Hit harder? Hit longer? Or do something else instead? If something else instead, why the HECK didn’t you do that in the first place instead of hitting a defenceless child?
I am sorry if I sound angry and upset, but you should know that I AM. I am upset every time I hear about children being hit instead of taught. Spanking with love ? No .. not possible. Try saying that and inserting ‘ my wife ‘ or ‘my neighbour’ instead of ‘my child’ and see how wrong it is.
I am a Brit living in Europe where spanking has been outlawed at home and in school for many years, in one country since the 1700’s – and we do not live in anarchy!
Bottom line [no pun intended] ? Spanking is hitting and is wrong period.
I felt as if I was reading about my own life when I read your story. I’m 43 years old and was also spanked. I was a quiet, shy, and actually really good child who never got into any trouble. However, a part of me died once the spankings started. At the age of 6 or 7, I started feeling dirty and violated after being spanked and didn’t understand why. I begged my mother not to make me wear dresses, because I guess I felt more vulnerable to exposure. Imagine being a child and having an adult bend you over his knee or force you to bend over and touch your toes to be spanked. This can make a child feel sexually violated even though they don’t understand what sex is. It took me years to figure out the extent of damage that spanking did to me. I don’t believe in spanking, and I am disgusted by parents who are in favor of it. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that someday spanking can be outlawed across the board.
I loved your post TealRose because I felt the same way when I was spanked. Unfortunately, when I started my parenting, I did spank, mostly my oldest who is now 10. My twin 7 year olds maybe got it once or twice. I regret it deeply. I found myself unable to manage my anger and did what was done to me.
I know know better and it has been years since that terrible time. I don’t even use punishments as I think even punishments aren’t effective for many reasons.
I have awesome kids. Everytime I come across posts where parents defend this abhorrent practice, I get really sad the kids, knowing it is so unnecessary.
Anyway, thank you for your post and being another parent who chose not to do this to her children.
Wow. I just re-read my comment after being led here by a response email. I didn’t realize I was still subscribed this long. The 2.5 yr old I wrote about is now 4.5 and he now has a little brother who is 16 months old!
I must confess that the 3 yr old stage was the toughest and that I did lose my will and spanked him a few times even though I was so against spanking when I wrote my comment. I don’t know what came over me when it happened. I’m pretty sure I felt worse then he did because it drudged up old baggage from when I was a child and I suffered a lot of emotional distress from it. HE forgave me, but I did not forgive myself.
I believe that spanking is “inherited” and you can pass it from one generation to the next. All the things I learned to hate about my mother who did it to me were reflected back onto me when I spanked my son. I had nightmares about it. I became determined to break this ugly cycle and started learning about “Love and Logic.” It’s been over a year since we’ve spanked and since learning about the Love and Logic method, I nor my husband even think about spanking. We don’t even threaten or use the word in our house. I feel like I have new coping tools. I feel so much better and more confident now that we use natural consequences and time out or “taking a break” with choices.
This is going to sound awful, but I can almost compare it to quitting smoking. Once you learn there are better, healthier ways to deal, you use those methods. I too believe it’s very true that when we KNOW better, we DO better. I try not to hold a grudge against my parents. I like to believe they didn’t know better back then.
I’m just really glad this topic is being discussed and more and more parents are becoming educated and learning new methods. We still have a long way to go as a culture but this gives me hope.
Time flies for sure when you have young family !! Then it flies again once you become a grandmother!!!
You are right, I do believe spanking is hereditary – I know I felt like spanking my children and I never felt worse. I knew instinctively that it would have just inflamed the situation and made it a 100 times worse.
My mother died a few years ago – and despite me telling her how I felt, and that spanking was NOT good, she still felt that it was fine and that I had been fine with it! It shows, how disconnected with her own child she was. She never understood myself or my sister.
What saddens me is that there are people out there who, despite the dangers etc of spanking, STILL feel adamantly that hitting a child is mandatory. That it isn’t abusive. That it doesn’t damage emotionally … It just sickens me to my stomach …..
Sorry, btw are you an aikidoka too ?? My husband and I met on the mat training in Aikido and married in 1977 !! A true Aikido marriage! He is a 2nd dan now .. and we live in Portugal – retired – and he still does a little teaching in a local club – but with a different style !
Hitting is wrong period. It is illegal to hit an adult, even a criminal, and it’s illegal to hit an animal. Why in the world would ANYONE think that hitting a defenceless child actually TEACHES it anything? It’s abuse and should stop.
As a 56 yr old grandmother who was spanked, I can tell you that my parents lost me from the first smack the first time. They lost my respect, love and trust. I don’t respect anyone that hits me or anyone else, and I never did. I only learned fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment. I learned that my parents didn’t love me, and no, the post spanking pep talk of ‘oh we love you ‘ meant nothing to me. I didn’t hit people I loved! I learned that adults lied & could & would get away with anything. They never regained my love, trust or respect.
As for thinking your child is ‘happy’ etc because they don’t seem unhappy. Think again. I was a ‘happy loving child’ and inside that truly quiet person [I still am] I was a seething mass of anger, and never connected with them.
I believe the answer to whether to HIT a child or not, is simple . NO…. how DARE anyone hit a child when if you hit your neighbour you would be arrested !
i agree spanking children is demonic it can kill children and very much harm them also when you hit children it makes them want to hit you
Spanking is still rabidly supported because the spanker gets an immediate positive reinforcement. Inflicting pain on anyone will cause a change in behavior. That change is a positive reinforcer for the person inflicting the pain. So they charge ahead, entirely convinced that spanking is good, effective and necessary.
Also, I’ve found that our spanking culture has eliminated the finer art of understanding and working with children. Parents spank because they don’t know other options exist. Whenever I get into the spanking debate, I find that spankers believe two things exist in parenting: 1) a good spanking parent or 2) a parent who does nothing. This is obviously misinformed thinking. I feel that I have so many resources at my hands, I would never stoop to spanking.
When people KNOW better, they DO better. As long as the easy way out exists, few parents will feel motivated to try for a deeper, stronger bond and parenting experience.
At the bottom of this issue lies an inherent disregard for infants and children. Note that parents rarely support spanking after a certain age, typically the pre-teen age. At some point, spanking starts to look abusive and wrong. That “point” is the moment when parents view their children as people. Infants and young children in our culture are not considered individual persons, with dignity and free will. They are almost considered these instinctual, unfeeling, unthinking creatures. People treat their dogs better than their children, and this does not bother their conscience because they do not view their children as people with human rights and dignity.
We have much to overcome in our culture.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research on “spanking”.
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child buttock-battering isn’t a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
Center For Effective Discipline,
PsycHealth Ltd Behavioral Health Professionals,
Churches’ Network For Non-Violence,
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus’ Footsteps,
The LDS Church (http://education.byu.edu/youcandothis/spanking.html click “quotes on spanking”),
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.
In 26 countries, child buttock-battering is prohibited by law. In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:
Child buttock-battering for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like “Supernanny” and “Dr. Phil” are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child buttock-battering isn’t a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
This is a very interesting article that i happen to come across (because im bored :P). I agree and disagree at the same time. Me, bein 18 years old, was spanked till i was about 13 maybe 14. Of course back then i hated it but now when i look at how kids are growing up today im thankful that my parents “disciplined” me, whether it be physical or having restrictions placed on me. Without that i’d probably be dead or in jail right now due to the fact that i would’ve done alot of things that would have warranted it. I have a good head on my shoulders and love my parents 100% and would give my life for them. everybody has their own opinion though ^_^ but mines is that if children are disciplined out of love rather than anger then they’ll cum out right.
ps: a majority of my peers were “spanked” 2(even more than me lol) and feel the same way
pss: of course a kid that’s being disciplined is gonna feel differently but jus tell’em to man up 😛
Regarding the “I turned out okay” argument…people only “turned out okay” because they believe that hitting kids is okay.
Personally, I don’t think that hitting kids is okay, so I most certainly do think that spanking harmed me. Because I turned into a parent who has trouble restraining the urge to spank her kids (although I almost always do restrain myself!). “Oddly” enough, I never saw any physical violence between my parents, and I don’t have a problem resisting the urge to hit my husband when I’m really mad at him–and I sometimes get angrier with him than I get with the kids. And as far as hitting other people…I really can’t think of a time when I’ve even had an urge to hit another adult (other than my parents–when I was a kid, and that was a self defense thing!).
Also…take this for what it is worth…as far back as the first grade I had a “fixation” with other kids’ butts, and a desire to spank them and to be spanked. Somehow I thought it would be pleasurable, even though I’d never experienced a pleasurable spanking. This is definitely what I would consider to be a sexual response–and I didn’t start having other sexual feelings until adolescense. So in a sense, I would consider spankings to have been sexual abuse. It doesn’t take a heck of a lot of effort to find that many adults that engage in sexual spankings date the first urges for them back to childhood spankings.
[…] morning, in the class, I’ll be passing out a copy of Mark Brady’s post on spanking, along with selective comments on his post (read, ONLY THE ONES I AGREE WITH — not […]
One small, but significant correction… I said in the comment at the top of the page, “There’s not a single discipline strategy that can’t become destructive when hijacked by the limbic brain.”
I meant “hijacked by the REPTILIAN brain…”
Of course, that could be a freudian slip, but then, sometimes a garage is just a garage.
wme
[…] Links: Why Spanking Children is a Bad Idea, by Mark Brady Never Hit a Child Equal Rights for Kids: Don’t Hit (Part 1) Equal Rights […]
Hmmm…I agree that reacting to a behavior is MUCH more effective once the emotion is removed. When it’s the end of the rope- nobody feels good after coming to heated fallout. Whether it’s a roaring yell- or in this conversation- a swat, nobody will leave feeling good or like things are going to “change”…it’s more like, phew, tally one up on my side.
Anyway, there’s a strategy I just learned and would like to share – for when going down that path- into the “RABBIT HOLE” of “reactive parenting” (from Parenting on Track):
Freeze. Say sorry & that this isn’t a good way to handle it. Then, EAT ice cream.
Revisit once in a better mood.
http://www.parentingontrack.com/
As with most advocates for losing control of our children, the writer makes the issue of discipline an act of war instead of an integral part of training a child as they develop so they can cope with lifes challenges. Discipline is a part – I repeat A PART – and I will emphasize – A NECESSARY PART of training humanity. Corporal punishment which should only be applied by spanking to the thicker muscled areas such as the gluteous maximus muscles is a heightened form of a deterrant to totally deliberate, defiant, anti-social behaviour to those between the ages of 2 and 8, understanding there are always extreme exceptions to every set standard. Also the frequency that it is used if all facets of discipline are in play will become less frequent and less necessary as the child develops. It is about the child – not our tiredness or our anger. Some children never need to be spanked…….some need more until they understand it deeply and always with education and an affirmation of being loved. To not address a hidden selfish nature only unleashes an individual who has no control in certain areas until challenged as an adult at which time the results are all round damaging. It would be nice to live in a pain free world – we don’t and lessens around loved ones, even if painful are necessary.
I love the way you intersperse theory with neuroscience/behavioral knowledge in your posts. This is such an important topic to me. I am absolutely against spanking for all the reasons you cited, and because I simply believe children learn most by example. I have three kids 5 and under, and they are just learning self-control physically – how can I insist they not hit each other when angry if I hit them when I discipline them? I know many parents who will say spanking is different as long as it is not done in anger, but can a child really discern the difference? Hitting is hitting to them. There are other ways to get their attention.
I loved this article. It really makes me rethink our current discipline strategies. Right now we’re dealing with a 2.5 year old and we constantly try to pause and remind ourselves that he is testing his boundaries which is normal. Sometimes though, it feels like blatant disrespect and that is a bit harder to stay in control because of how I was raised as a child with lots of abuse. The first thing we do is use a firm voice and count backwards from 5. If he allows us to reach ‘1’ that’s when we use discipline. (Interestingly we had to modify this because we discovered that counting from 1, 2, 3 wasn’t enough time for him to focus and follow directions and it wasn’t as dramatic either!) We mostly use a time out but what frustrates me are times when a time out is just not appropriate like when we’re out in public or he threatens to run from us in the parking lot. Then I feel the *need* to do something drastic like a swat on the hand to get the message across that his actions are *dangerous* and he must stop immediately. I have never –and the thought of it makes me squirm– spanked him or loudly disciplined him in public. For me, public humiliation just isn’t right. I do grab his arm firmly, get down to his level and look him in the eyes or whisper in his ear that he needs to behave or he will get a spanking while in public. I feel bad because I wonder if the threat of doing it is just as bad as the action even though I wouldn’t want to ever make him cry as the result of discipline in public. I have to admit we have spanked him on his bottom as a last resort when other methods just didn’t seem to work. (and not nearly as hard as my parents did!) so he knows what getting a spanking means and that usually settles him down and we do our best to redirect. One thing we do though is each and every time we discipline him, we always hug him and kiss him afterward and tell him that even when he’s bad we love him and re-explain what he did that was unacceptable knowing full well that he can not yet fully comprehend his actions and that he really is still testing boundaries. A lot of this stems from the fact that I was abused as a child and I’m trying my best to not continue the same pattern. I always felt my parents disciplined us for no good reason other than they were annoyed and taking it out on us. I really just want my son to learn right from wrong but also not fear us, just respect us.
We must be doing something right because before the age of 3, our son is warm, loving and compassionate. A couple of times while I’ve been upset he has actually put himself in a time out before I even thought of saying it! Just the other day he brought over a candle stick he broke and confessed to it. I was amazed. I hugged him and told him I was proud of him for telling me even though I was disappointed that an accident caused the candle to break. (He kept playing with it and I kept telling him to put it back over a period of weeks.) There too, I knew the candle would eventually get broken, but I’m also testing my boundaries too and I knew if he broke it, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal but was also curious to see how he might deal with it. I was very proud of the result. I believe no matter what, you have to shower your children with love as much as you can so they feel secure. I don’t think spanking is a good idea either and I strive to eliminate it from our routine before he gets much older. Spanking doesn’t make any of us feel any better in the end anyhow.
posted this link to my facebook page teresa worthy howard- you must go and check out the debate!
I find this an emotionally charged article for me. I was spanked a lot as a child. I was also verbally abused extensively. Unfortunately, I became a mom at a young age and continued the pattern. Life happens, and a couple of years ago, I hit a wall. I knew I could no longer use physcial force to discipline my children. I found myself retreating, trying to find a calm, rational way to deal with my child. It’s interesting, because since I have stepped back and “counted to 5” (or 1005!) and waited until we were both calm, I have found that I can sit and discuss the issue with my son and now I feel like we are having fewer “issues” to discuss.
When I got home from school my mom would hit me for making Sister Mary hit me at school.
Then the brothers would hit me as i got older.
Did I turn out ok – compared to what you say!
I don’t think that even a voice that is meant to be controlling or manipulating is something to strive for. I believe that a voice that connects, guides and helps is in the best interest of a child.
In a same way I believe that touch that is meant to connect, guide and help is beneficial where touch that controls or manipulates is not. If the voice can sometimes be used as a device for hurting it doesn’t mean that the touch should be used too.
I’ve been thinking the same thing as wme (=why is controlling ok but not by spanking). My conclusion has been that all common discipline strategies are destructive as they are about controlling another human being. My family is currently learning to live consensually, and I believe that this is also in the best interest of my kids. (http://www.consensual-living.com/)
Consensual living is what I strive for too! Thanks Riina.
While my personal opinion is that hitting a child is always a bad idea, I wonder if the same theory I apply to all my actions doesn’t also apply here – to wait to take any action other than a time out with respect to disciplining a child until I can take action without an emotional charge. Is it possible for an emotionally balanced adult to hit a child or anyone else for that matter without an emotional charge?
devil’s advocate here…
Its clearly not okay to scream at our kids. But it IS okay to use “Command Voice,” which is firm, intense, and under control. I would assume that under some circumstances, those who intend to use command voice trip over in to screaming (I know I have).
The voice can be used abusively. The voice can be used appropriately.
Why do you suppose it is we’re so uncomfortable offering a similar distinction when it comes to corporal discipline?
Clearly its not okay to beat a child. Why do we assume that to allow for a firm, controlled swat on the bottom, especially when the child is given the option to avoid the swat, is an especially more dangerous tool to have in the toolbox?
There’s not a single discipline strategy that can’t become destructive when hijacked by the limbic brain. I wonder why spanking has been singled out as especially dangerous? Is there really more data that supports a swat on the bottom is a problem, or is the data connected to whippin’s that are much more out of control?
wme