Sometimes people will come up to me and tell me right to my face that they think I’m one of the most generous people they know. I’m always surprised and more than a little uncomfortable with such pronouncements for a number of reasons. One is, I don’t generally feel that generous. In other words I don’t walk through much of my day emanating Generosity Consciousness. More often I feel like a scrimy cheeseparer, frequently trying to get the best deal for myself in order to scrimp and hoard for the rainy day my mother perpetually warned me about.
The Impaired Ability to Love
Michel Odent, the renown French obstetrician, might assess that I possess a degree of neural disorganization originating in the “primal period” that has resulted in what he calls an impaired ability to love. Some might argue with him, but I won’t. That fits my own internal feeling experience more than anything else. And it is this impairment that I do my best to continually confront. It becomes like the grain of sand inside requiring me to work to grow and polish The Pearl Beyond Price. So, that essentially makes me a work in progress, just like most of the other people I know. But what is this “work” that I am supposedly progressing with? And why is it important that I do it? And what kind of progress am I making? And are there benefits of doing this work that I can pass on to children? The field of social neuroscience has something interesting to say about these questions, I think.
The Brain Change Business
From earlier writings, many of you know that I am a big fan of Bruce Perry. One of Bruce’s pointed observations is that because the brain appears to mediate most all human experience, no matter what business we’re in – and this includes the “doing our own work” and the “repairing the inability to love” business – first and foremost, we’re in the Brain Change Business. Assuming that’s the case, then by association, we’re also in the Mind Change and Belief Change Business. From personal experience, it seems a mind can be a very challenging thing to truly and lastingly change. Beliefs can be even harder.
Change-Up Mind
What are some of the ways that work to actually change my mind? Well, one is to take large and small risks to learn something new and significant, something that has personal meaning to me. For example, risking giving away things that I feel great attachment to – like money, time and energy. What is the actual experience like when I sit and contemplate giving away $10,000 that I don’t really feel like I can spare? Well, in truth it’s mixed. There’s a thrill connected to it, and immediately on its heels, there’s a kind of constricting fear. In my imagination, the thrill seems to come from one part of my brain, the fear from another – “What about the rain day?” “Who will help you should you ever need it?” “People will think you’re nuts giving away money like that!” (I’ve previously written about the results of this experiment in personal philanthropy, but not about the process leading up to it). This emotional mix seems difficult to contain and modulate all by myself. And so, taking risks like this seems to require good social support. It’s not something to be attempted at home alone.
The Heart Change Business
Apart from the people I explored my personal motivation with in the above experiment, two books were seminal in transforming my inability a bit. One was Spiritual Economics by the renown Unity minister, Eric Butterworth. The other book was a very moving account by some of the children of America’s wealthiest families – Rockefeller, Pillsbury, Carnegie, to name a few. That book was: We Gave Away a Fortune by Anne Slepian and Christopher Mogil. It details the personal struggle of these young philanthropists who decided to violate a Golden Rule of the Wealthy: “Never Give Away Principal.” When faced with the reality of the suffering in the world, and the realization that their personal wealth could make an appreciable difference, they had a collective change of heart and went against family code. Their courageous change of heart, it turned out, ultimately contributed to mine. And for my own personal experiment, I couldn’t imagine a more profoundly gratifying outcome. It’s one that, when I reflect on it, does make me feel like a generous person. And, it turns out it’s good for my brain and health as well. I remember a suggestion years ago offered by the poet and writer, Alice Walker. She suggested that we make all our decisions based upon the single question, “Is it good for the children?” I think modeling generosity and working on being more loving is good for the children.
Very nice article, thank you
I have some catching up to do on your writings. Today’s is significant as I am with my 30 year old son who has a lifestyle that keeps him so detached from people. I think about the trauma of leaving him at 14months old in the custody of his dad, while I grew myself up. I also now include the trauma of circumcision – what else is there for a jewish boy?
My job now is to let go of the notion that there is any right way to live a life, look at my own journey through my early 30’s (I was a mess!) and love him as he is. I’m learning to love unconditionally and give him room to learn to trust me. We are doing really well this trip. He said we have to have al least one argument before he goes. Three days to go. We are waiting with humor – Thank GOD!
The other thing is that I’m working on Generosity of Spirit, much like your piece earlier. I think you and I talked about that a little. In an article for Connections for Women (www.connectionsforwomen.com) The theme this month is Freedom. I think freedom and generosity of spirit is linked big time. So that’s where I’m headed. I also think generosity supports and develops spiritual intelligence, so it will also be a part of that book I’ve been working on Exercising the Muscles of Spiritual Intelligence.
Big hugs to you and your sweetie,
Rosie
I enjoyed this column. There is so much need and so much demand that parents are exposed to. It brought up that sensitive place that we may often have, and hide, as parents where we don’t want to give anymore. In mother’s in particular this is illegal and in my experience working with parents this brings up many internal binds. Your sharing the struggle helped name the struggle.
I do take a little exception to the idea of giving as always being the positive, good, or innocent choice, or the idea that knowing when it is good to give or better to withold is always easy. Sometimes witholding something is a more loving and more difficult gesture in parenting….a deeper giving. Boundaries are also important to impart, and how do we do that without a “no”? How do we stay in truth with ourselves if our inner limits of giving are not truthfully stated somewhere? “I am finding the limits of my generosity now.” or “My generosity right now is showing up as the willingness to withold what you are demanding from me because it is not in your best interests”
The response above caused me to remember also the age of autonomy that children go through in which children naturally and without very much rational mind at work say “No” and “Mine!” and assert their right NOT to share and give. It is an important developmental milestone. Not to have or express that can lead to all kinds of later issues.
Assuming of course that you are not raising the Buddha or Christ….
Hi Mark,
After reading your article, my first thought is that the heart freely says yes to giving, but it is the critic in the mind that says no. I believe we have lost our innocence of instinctively following the nudge of the heart when it says to give; hence, we suffer mightily because of our conditioned fears. Children on the other hand just openly give and share until . . . conditioning from their environment takes over, and innocence dwendles once again. Again, it is the rational and logical mind verses the innocence of the heart.
Warmly,
Patti