This week’s piece comes from a very good friend of mine. She’s offered to share her story publicly for the first time, under a pseudonym for obvious reasons. I’m proud of her and inspired by her courage. May her story serve to hearten and help heal the more than 1 billion women on the planet who have suffered similarly …
How to Child Abuse a 40 Year Old Mother
by Jenny A.
In the 1970’s, sexual abuse was not something people talked about much. Perhaps the subject occasionally crossed my parents’ minds, but not enough for them to stop me from playing at the house of an old man who lived down the street. I suppose my parents thought of him as a harmless old grandfather. He turned out to be a pedophile. My play at his house resulted in me repeatedly being naked, scared and ashamed while he did whatever he wanted with me. I carried the secret of his abuse for decades. This account is the first time I have shared it in a public forum.
The abuse was confusing. My body reacted to his touch, and I also enjoyed the attention, even though somewhere in my little girl heart I knew what was happening was gruesomely wrong. It was also painful at times. Children’s orifices are not meant to accommodate an adult penis. The abuse turned me into a very sexual little girl, and it was not too long before other predators easily recognized the victim in me. Looking back I feel I had a secret sign on my forehead: “molest me.” My story is both similar to and different from Jamie’s Story at the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
As the years went by I ended up in situations where a doctor, a teacher, a boss, and a handful of men I dated all abused me. I had never learned how to name or heal the original wounds, so I had few tools for avoiding further situations that ended up being traumatic. Many women who suffer sexual abuse become afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) without realizing it (I think labels are useless at best and harmful at worst). While this was never my diagnosis, still one of the biggest insults resulted in me having no voice. I had absolutely no idea how to say “No!” Speechless terror does that to children’s voices. I often froze when men put their hands on me. I was completely submissive, my body ready to accommodate their needs. Chronologically, I was 20, 30, 40, but emotionally, psychologically and sexually, I was still six years old. It was not until my daughter turned the age I was when the abuse started, that I mustered the courage to face my past head-on and begin the brutally arduous task of trying to heal. I looked at programs like Model Mugging and the Woman’s Justice Center, but they didn’t fully resonate with me. I mostly did it on my own, for my daughter and for my own inner little girl desperate to be reclaimed and honored.
But the old man down the street wasn’t the only person to exploit me. My father was inappropriate with me first.
Answering the Big Brain Question “NO!”
How does a child make sense of the love that naturally emerges for her father when the things he’s doing are profoundly damaging to her brain, body and soul? And how does she NOT overlay that confusion and disorganization on to every significant relationship with men ever after? How does she skillfully recreate the trauma, not in ways that simply reenact the original wounding, but actually does lead to some kind of healing integration? How does she get back to Square One developmentally speaking? Back, at age 40, to being the innocent child she once was before she was unconsciously betrayed and unskillfully exploited? How does she finally become Incest-Triumphant?
I have had a really hard time trying to figure out how to love my dad and still honor myself in the wake of what he did. Loving fathers don’t violate, betray and abuse their daughters. If I love him and have him in my life, I feel like I am not honoring myself. But, he is my dad and love for our parents is hardwired into us. When we are young we know instinctively that we cannot survive without our parents, so we cling to even the most abusive ones. It’s very confusing. It took an abusive marriage and a handful of later exploitive relationships, and a painful withdrawal from a benzodiazepine tranquilizer given to me to help me cope with my past, to be able to honestly say ”NO MORE ABUSE!! I had to get help to initially stand on my own two feet and learn to take care of myself in every way. Only then was I ready to think about engaging with a man again. Otherwise, I was going to attract yet another perpetrator into my life and once again be sitting in the fire.
Honoring Healing Wanting to Happen
For me, getting back to square one meant having the courage to accept that I am a sexually abused woman. I’ve had to have the courage to feel the old terror and shame, and allow it to surface and discharge from my body. That means some days I’ve ended up crying and shaking. I’ve had to allow the rage to bubble up. I’ve had to find a healthy outlet for it. Some days I dig holes in my garden and fill them back up again, and dig them up again the next day. I have to be kind and compassionate with myself always, and embrace the little girl inside of me who was so badly dishonored. I have to honor her today, in the here and now. I am still reclaiming parts of myself as I go, but at least now I feel far more real and authentic than I ever have before. And I realize that while my father (and mother, who was complicit in the abuse, but that is another blog entry!) didn’t really love me, I am a good person. I have something precious to share with others: my reclaimed heart and soul. Each and every day, I am more and more at peace with myself and the real suffering in the world.
Instead of tears or sadness, I found myself smiling and filled with joy as Jenny’s strength became clearer and clearer in her story. A feeling of being ‘proud’ of Jenny. I KNEW she could do it. : )
In my story, the idea of identifying as a ‘victim’ repulsed me with feelings of helplessness — unacceptable. My way, was to embrace the experience as just a part of my life that contributed to who I am. I have always strived to be my best, and I really like who I am … all of me, no room for “warring thoughts” against myself. To not obsess about the right or wrong, blame or vengeance, pain or pleasure; to accept that it occurred IN THE PAST, but that it was “done, finished, never to be repeated”.
From an early age [2], my husband and I have educated our two sons about all appropriate and inappropriate behaviors without putting an undue emphasis on any of our “past personal fears” as well as avoided obvious predatory opportunities. Being a conscientious energy worker has paid off. In using my personal power to transform and create something positive and healthy out of what I perceive as negative or possibly destructive … my children, their children, and hopefully the world has greatly benefitted. And that is something wonderful.
Blessings and continued healing to Jenny, and all of us.
A big Thanks to “Jenny” for sharing her story. As the Executive Director of the Institute for Survivors of Sexual Violence™ and a Certified Rapid Resolution Therapist® the treatment of such trauma is obviously near and dear to my heart. I also have an interest in the neurobiology behind the effects of trauma. This was an amazing post and I hope to come across more!
As a therapist for nearly 30 years, I had often struggled to be truly helpful to clients with a history of sexual trauma. Sometimes I was, but this seemed to be mostly ‘accidental’ and difficult to replicate. About 3 years ago I trained and became certified in Clinical Hypnosis with Rapid Trauma Resolution(tm), a set of therapeutic techniques like none I have ever encountered. The developer, Dr. Jon Connelly is also founder of the “Institute for Survivors of Sexual Violence” a non-profit that promotes training in sexual trauma treatment and provides treatment to those without financial resources. (www.rapidresolutiontherapy.com).
My purpose in responding to this post (which was very powerful) is to let the other commenters know that there is effective, painless and fast treatment available for sexual trauma. I have been using these techniques on a daily basis for 3 years and I continue to be awed by the results. I know it sounds incredible, and I would have found it hard to believe myself at one time. There are now several hundred certified practitioners throughout the US and their contact info is on the website. Also, as certified practitioners, we are committed to provide services pro bono to anyone who cannot afford them. Healing is possible and available.
Thanks, Michele.
I really appreciate you taking the time to let me and the
readers know about this important resource. I see the
suffering that early abuse continually replays out in the
world every day. Anything that can truly work in the service
of relieving that suffering should receive widespread attention.
And the fact that it’s available pro bono for those who need it
speaks well to the potential efficacy of the modality as well.
Best wishes and thanks for the work you do.
~ Mark
Very moving. Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories. I wish you all continued healing and peace.
It’s amazing to read Jenny’s story of betrayed innocence.
In my own experience, and path toward healing, it has been important for me to remember that I am on a journey to find my life’s purpose, and not a survivor of chid abuse. My journey has many intertwining paths, of which child abuse is only one. A traumatic divorce is another. And while my experiences have shaped me in some ways, and still play a role in my life and my journey, it is not who I am. I’ve continually had to learn and relearn to separate myself from my experiences.
I’ve included a link to a youtube video that I found that may be helpful to you in understanding the journey. You don’t need to subscribe to the stages and steps outlined, or even the spiritual context (as you should choose a process that works best for you), just listen to what speaks truth to you.
To me, it’s not just about healing from life’s traumas, it’s about being the person you really are and want to be, and taking the steps or actions necessary to help facilitate that process.
Personally, I have found the 12 steps program (catered to healing vs. recovery) to be very helpful for me, at least as an early step. As I have become more confident in my journey, I just know when something will be helpful or not.
Love for “Jenny” and her many wounded brothers and sisters.
It seems we have plenty of love, compassion and insight into how and why we humans scare and hurt each other; I’m sensing, or at least hoping, that now’s the time for loving kindness, compassion and healing as we put what we know and feel into lived action.
Meanwhile, or consistent with this, a colleague and friend has recently launched a little book expressly meant to help children stay safe from sexual abuse, along with guidance for parents on how to help with this “tricky” issue without overwhelming our kids or unduly scaring them: http://amzn.to/u1Ezz8
Namaste
Thanks, Bruce. Pattie’s book hopefully adds to the growing awareness of the suffering this issue produces in the world. And clearly you and I are on the same page with getting the strongest foundations laid down as early as we can. I’m guessing within two generations we’ll have reached a Tipping Point in the world for goodness and light.
Best regards,
Mark
Shame is the core affect that becomes embedded which trails continually as the leading edge of wellness and healing struggles to move forward empowering victims with their voices- their feelings and their ‘right’ to set boundaries to protect themselves from further abuses. Often its not that victims forget the abuse, however they wonder shockingly how ‘bad was it really?,’ a pathological adaptive coping tool. However the shame trigger becomes a critical affect to track serving in a bittersweet way, to point out when it surfaces, which is frequent and often unexpected, the depth and magnitude of the lingering world shattering experience that has occured, . Painfully shame must be both acknowledged , felt and expressed and (as shame is the voice that whispers you have no worth) in language for the portal that has been opened in therapy or with a trusted other, to be continually nurtured with the anti-venom of challenging shame with a new confirmation that ‘the victim is indeed a deeply sacred, worthy, valuable being’. Not unlike a stint this value must be placed under the skin as the daily nurturance of a loving, caring and trusted relationship must drip the healing balm deeply over time. Shame and trauma lessens its vicious vice, never to go away, but if all goes well to be the less dominant experience over time.
Hi Kate,
Shame indeed, threading through the psyche over a lifetime, tends to undermine so much human potential. Here’s to as much healing balm as possible that will allow each of us to turn our wounds into our gifts. Blessings,
Mark
Thank you Jenny for your bravery and to Mark for sharing (and encouraging). As a counselor who has worked with survivors of sexual abuse for over 20 years, It seems that although much in this field has changed for the better, little has changed in the resulting impact of the one who was hurt as a child. Sexual abuse remains shameful and still, I hear stories of parents and other adults who did not believe. Sharing of the story with someone who can listen and believe is crucial, as well as meeting others with the same background who can demonstrate that healing IS possible and healthy relationships CAN happen. This piece is one I am excited to pass on to several new clients. Again, thank you Jenny for your insight and courage.
Sitting here reading this in my warm, safe kitchen with my 2 young innocent, unharmed girls playing very nearby. And crying. I am overwhelmed by Jenny’s pain, her self-awareness and her journey.
It is just in the past several months that my husband and I started the more serious discussions of predator/abuse types with our daughters, 7 and 5. It is an uncomfortable subject, but reading your story Jenny has reinforced why it is so important to give our girls a voice. Our discomfort MUST be overcome by their need to learn to protect themselves.
Jenny, I wish you peace today and more healing every day. And thank you for helping to strengthen my daughters’ voices.
-Barbara
Hi Barbara, Thanks for posting. My hat’s off to you and your husband for openly addressing what for many really is an uncomfortable topic. So often, it is our own limbic neurology that must be managed as parents. Turning toward and openly discussing difficult topics with compassion and concern, gets easier over time. Being even a little bit willing to explore Shadow in our culture holds the potential to be truly transformative for all of us. Continued blessings on the journey. ~ Mark
Mark and Jenny,
Thank you for this remarkable post.
My greatest healing came from a therapist who I knew suffered similar trauma to my own, both our mothers were mentally ill. My brain recognized her brain instantaneously and the healing has had so little to do with theory. The healing has come in the effortless way my therapist is able to believe me. Most therapists on some level find it impossible to believe stories of abuse. To heal, we must be believed. Peace.
Patricemj,
“To heal, we must be believed.”
Beautifully put.
~Heather
+1 thank you
Bravo. Your first paragraph was my story verbatim. Shocking how many young children are abused in this world. The most important phrase I’ve learned on my journey to healing those wounds is this:
It’s not your fault.
You didn’t invite this upon yourself and as confusing as those feelings are and as shameful as you may feel at times- its not your fault. High five to you for the courage you mustered to post your story! Compassion and peace to you as you begin the process of healing for you and your family.
Sincerely from
Another 40 year old mother trying to protect her daughter and continue healing myself as well-
Hi Tania, Bravo to you and your healing journey. You are 100% correct, of course: it is NOT your fault. It never was. And may your daughter not only greatly benefit from the experiences you’ve had to suffer through, but add to the expanding health and well-being of the pool of world’s children. Continued blessings on the journey. ~ Mark
Hi Mark and Jenny
Thanks greatly for this description of the journey of wounding and healing for survivors of sexual abuse. It confirms some of my own experience and helps those of us who work with people through these emotional/physical histories understand how to recognize, help and stay present. I will certainly share this with the many I know who are on a similar path of healing.
Jeanne
Mark,
Your comments are very well articulated and thought provoking. The disorganized personality development resulting from this type of trauma is at such a fundamental level I am wondering how someone is assisted in the process of aligning oneself. I have heard similar stories referring to the work of addressing the abusive history, but I am left questioning what is it that is actually helpful. Is it going back over what happened and conveying that to another person? Is it confronting the abuser? Is it simply having an accepting and caring therapist? I know bpd is extremely hard to overcome. If anyone has thoughts to the specific techniques that are helpful, I am very interested to hear them.
-heather
Hi Heather,
Thanks for taking the time to consider and post the questions you have. First of all, I wish I could say “To heal this kind of abuse, simply do X, Y and Z.” Unfortunately, I can’t. Every instance of abuse is different. A high percentage of abusers were themselves abused, so every abusive lineage is different. Confronting them, more often than not, simply puts two severely disorganized brains in direct conflict. Healing is rarely the outcome.
The problem is exacerbated in my experience, by many factors. High among them is the lack of awareness and comfort in the therapeutic community even being willing to consider sexual abuse as a root cause of people’s suffering. Freud himself, wrote a paper on the subject nearly a hundred years ago, and then fearfully withdrew it. One of the reasons I elected not to become a therapist myself was the suspicion that sexual abuse lay at the root of many presenting problems, and that I had no tools, and little knowledge or competence to effect healing. My decision to not practice psychotherapy was also shaped by my further suspicion that to address everything BUT the root cause, was actually harmful to people. Recent trauma and neuroscience research seems to bear my suspicions out. Opening neuronal clusters or capsules or cocoons holding traumatic memories and NOT fully integrating them back into the network connected to live, healthy brain tissue, appears to only add trauma on top of trauma. It goes directly against the “Do No Harm” imperative.
So, what would I do if I suspected early childhood sexual abuse was negatively affecting my life? Well, one thing that comes to mind is “The Golden Rule of Social Neuroscience” – hang out with healed people with compassionate hearts who’ve managed to find a way back to healthy neural (re)organization. Simply being in the presence of people who’ve confronted and healed this wound can itself move us in the direction of healing. For one thing, we know healing’s possible. For another, we have some specific, flesh and blood evidence that certain things work better than others (and some don’t work at all!). I would also make sure that some kind of somatic involvement was a part of my healing practice. For me personally, it would be one of the more aggressive martial arts, simply because I can feel the energy of big anger looking for wild expression!
What’s your own intuitive sense about how someone might set about on their own personal healing journey?
Warm regards,
Mark
Mark,
Your theory of Sexual abuse being the root cause of many individuals suffering is very interesting. As a child I was sexually abused. The perpetrator of my abuse hated himself for it, it became a kind of compulsion. The perpetrator loved me despite the inability to stop himself from doing this. Through my own process of figuring out what happened I went through a period of being extremely angry, a period of depression with suicidal ideation, and ultimately forgiveness. I have talked with the perpetrator and told him I forgive him. This forgiveness has been one of the most profoundly positive experiences in my life. I worked as a nurse in a prison for three years. I worked with sex offenders. My experience there, was that the shame these men live with does nothing to facilitate their own growth around the issue. As you said, there is no “simply do X, Y and Z,” and healing will occur. I think recognizing that the perpetrator is also in need of processing the event/s, and the pain involved is important to reducing sexual abuse reoccurrence. I am not qualified to give any kind of hypothesis of what might be an effective treatment for people who have been subjected to this type of trauma. From my own experience, I tend to think that having a loving and accepting individual to confide in, to help bare witness to the violation that has occurred, is one critical piece to the healing process. I think to, that the goal of forgiveness is one that can direct someone toward healing. I say all of this from my own experiences and do not, by any stretch, want to impose any “should” or anything at all, really, on other victims processes. Thanks for this conversation, Mark. It is interesting to consider. I am in grad school for psychology, and this next semester I am taking human sexuality with a little bit of dread because I know it will force me to think about my trauma. Sexuality is such a confusing thing, even with the basic trauma of junior high. I joke that my sexual abuse was nothin’ compared to living through junior high as a girl….THAT was awful! Seriously, I think American culture does not have a healthy approach to sexuality. There is on the one hand a very puritanical expectation of women and then on the other the media’s constant focus on sexual themes.
~Heather
Hi David,
Thanks for commenting. The deeper and deeper I look into this issue, the darker and darker I find it becoming. Marion Solomon is a therapist in Los Angeles who has worked with abused women for more than three decades. As she has learned more and more about how the brain fails to organically develop and becomes significantly disorganized in the wake of such abuse – mostly outside the awareness not only of the person who was abused, but outside the awareness of much of the therapeutic community – she has seen what a profound challenge healing becomes. For many reasons, one being how immaturely developed memory dissociates, fragments and distorts details. I’ve met a number of women who find themselves as adults ending up not really sure that anything predatory actually happened. But once you understand how that damage shows up and looks in later life, the fact that something damaging happened is undeniable. What exactly the details were, while they might matter on one level, what matters most is how such early damage can be skillfully addressed in ways that end up producing healing integration and neurological coherence. Does this make sense? Best, Mark
Mark, Thank you for sharing this piece. What courage that this person has – her sharing is a gift to all of us who are parents and children. I wonder how much has shifted since 1970 – are we more enlightened adults in 2012? Do we abuse our children less? Are we more willing to talk about our abuse?
1 more thing to add is to wish the writer a journey of peace, compassion, and healing.