In June of 2009 internet users launched more than ten billion searches on the most popular search engines. Two and a half billion of those searches were for pornography! (How big is a billion? If you were to count out loud to one million, it would take you about 11 days. To count to a billion would take you 30 years!) With the advent of iPads, Droids and Dreamscreens pornography is available to anyone, anywhere at any time. Researchers in the United Kingdom couldn’t find a single male who had not viewed porn. And 2009 CyberSentinel poll found that 13-16 year olds of both genders spend almost two hours a week viewing pornography, and Columbia University found that 45% of teens have “friends” who regularly view and download porn. Pornography has become the naked elephant self-stimulating itself in the middle of our digital living room.
Can something that feels go good and seems so harmless be in any way connected to the suffering in the world? Longtime sex therapist and noted researcher, Wendy Maltz thinks so:
(After many, many years of research), I’ve come to the conclusion that pornography is moving from an individual and couples’ problem to a public health problem, capable of deeply harming the emotional, sexual, and relationship well-being of millions of men, women, and children.
Empirical evidence is currently unclear as to whether excessive viewing of pornography is the “new crack cocaine” that leads to addiction, misogyny, pedophilia and sexual dysfunction. These claims were made amidst great criticism by a number of scientists and clinicians before a Senate subcommittee a few years ago. But from a neuroscience perspective, some things are pretty certain. One is, different brains will be affected by pornography in different ways. Even though many things done to excess hold the possibility of becoming toxic – drugs, alcohol, tobacco, sugar, shopping, television, work – not all brains turn the opiods released by repeatedly viewing pornography into so-called “erototoxins.” Viewing doesn’t automatically lead to addiction, but it does increase the risk for those who are vulnerable.
Cooling Our Jets
Pornography is a hot topic that often stirs strong responses in mixed company, which can work against constructive dialogue. The strength of our emotional reaction to porn is often an indicator of how integrated (or not) our own brains are around the subject. And while we might wish that pornography and easy access to it didn’t exist and wasn’t a significant problem, burying our collective heads in the sand won’t go very far in accurately informing each other or in providing useful guidance for our children.
While accurate statistics are hard to come by, supposedly a high percentage of people who participate in the porn industry were sexually abused as young children (The psycho-neurological mechanisms of shame, repression, dissociation and denial make any such stats questionable at best). Abuse in any form though, reduces neurogenesis (growth of new neurons) and synaptogenesis (the integrated connectivity of neurons). Add in the shame that often accompanies the use of pornography, and we can begin to build a pretty compelling case for the social consequences of pornography leading to substantial neurological impoverishment.
Pornography, like casual sex, invites turning off those parts of our brain that would have us emotionally connect to and deeply care for others. In addition, according to an MSNBC study, more than 70% of porn users keep their use secret and view it in isolation. Social isolation is another proven impairer of optimal neurological development.
Help for the Hand-icapped
So what can we do to skillfully address the issue of pornography where our children are concerned? I have some recommendations:
Be willing to entertain the possibility that pornography may be a problem. Human beings engage in lots of initially enjoyable things that inevitably turn out to be harmful, only later coming to realize it. This may be one more.
Be prepared for the subject to present itself in our homes. This will often come as an unexpected surprise: a magazine found under the mattress, a computer screen left open and active by accident, etc.
Work with trusted others to begin to reduce our own charge, negative or positive, on the subject. Whatever our hot buttons, our kids are the ones who know them best and they will almost always find ways to press them. You can be pretty sure if you have a hot button around sexuality and pornography, eventually it’s going to get pressed.
Depending upon the extent of the problem, seek professional help. These kinds of compulsive behaviors are not easy to beat single-handedly.
Pornography usage can be a difficult emotional issue to tackle head on. Like many of the challenges of parenting, it will very likely require us to change the hardest thing of all … ourselves.
I will try to keep this as short and uncomplicated as possible. My 10 year marriage is coming to an end. Pornography is not the ultimate reason, but pornography is the single most contributing detrimental factor.
As Mark adduced: ‘Pornography, like casual sex, invites turning off those parts of our brain that would have us emotionally connect to and deeply care for others…’ My young children and I can testify to the painful reality of this conclusion.
I would not wish to see anyone justify the self-indulgent behaviors that pornography promotes. Especially if such an individual is vulnerable to it’s addictive nature.
Again, Dr. Wendy Maltz as quoted: … ‘deeply harming the emotional, sexual, and relationship well-being of millions of men, women, and children.’ When you become one of the million, ironically, you feel very much alone. And I can attest that the Big Brain Question is never answered ‘Yes’, at least not in a manner that is healthy, when it comes to pornography.
Thank you Mark for this compelling and throughly accurate depiction of such a sensitive topic. I had been hoping for some time now, that with your preeminent credentials, this subject would be addressed. It has indeed helped to both solidify and clarify my perspective on the matter.
Appreciatively,
~ Sadie
Sorry Lorraine, here are the answers to your questions,
I should start by saying I only watch porn made by/produced by/directed by womenpositive, sex positive companies. They exist!
I do sometimes forget that the actors are real people but that’s because they are actors. There were moments in The Last King of Scotland when I forgot Forrest Whittaker was not Idi Amin.
I can imagine someone I love in GOOD porn. I wouldn’t wish amateur, internet porn on anyone.
I would never want anyone to be humiliated or degraded without their explicit, competent, consensual agreement.
I can’t competently answer your other questions because I don’t think we’re talking about the same porn. Maybe you or I, when we’re writing our Masters thesis, can write about the world of porn. Visit sets, interview actors. Get some real numbers, real attitudes.
As an educator, I’m working on creating a sex positive cultural for all genders, orientations and sexualities. It seems to me, by your comments, you are doing similar work.
I applaud you on your work with abused children and wish you continued success!
What a fantastic comment Lynda!
You are 100% right we need to be committed parents, who teach are children to be respectful, critical thinkers, and aware consumers.
I can imagine a day when my critical-thinking, aware teen comes to me and says “I understand porn but why are Arby’s or the American Mint using explicit sexual references to sell their products?”
Perhaps we wouldn’t be having this conversation if we lived in a sex- positive, gender-equal society?
What a great conversation by the way! Thank you to Mark for giving us a forum to exchange our thoughts.
I worked with sexually abused children on a daily basis. Sometimes they are under the age of 18; sometimes they are adults by chronological age, but certainly not by emotional development. Impaired by the trauma of sexual abuse these adults function as children. As a result, they are oftentimes unable to protect those children they have brought into the world, and so the sexual abuse cycle continues.
What we are seeing is an increased number of children arrested for sexually abusing other children. Sometimes this is because the child was physically sexually abused. More and more often we are finding out that the child was exposed to pornography.
I have had parents tell me that it is perfectly fine for their young male children to watch pornography so “they can learn to be men.”
There is no doubt that pornography impacts the brain, which makes the topic very important for those interested in “committed” parents. Let’s be smart about this topic, before it’s too late. Mark Brady has offered solid recommendations to begin a difficult discussion.
Owning sex toys is not the same as watching porn.
I totally disagree with the comment that porn is harmless.
When you work with teens as I do, you see the problems it creates.
Wow, this is the first post in 18 months that I have almost universally disagreed with.
Porn is a problem because North Americans make it taboo. You can own an AK-47 in Texas but dildos are illegal.
If you are open and honest, feel secure in your sexuality and the right of everyone around you to be a sexual being, porn is neither good nor bad, it’s simply part of the sexual landscape.
Yes, if you have an addictive personality, you might run into problems. You might have the same problems with Pepsi.
I have nothing but respect for your intelligence and your writing but further research into porn might be called for in this instance. May I suggest checking out Femme Productions, owned by Candida Royalle.
In case you’re wondering, I am a feminist, a mom, a doula, a sex educator, a porn consumer and a very happily married woman.